Category Archives: Politicking

Joementum is conserved

Lucas Blue: so I’ve been thinking about the politics
Lucas Red: oh?
Lucas Blue: and have found myself falling into despair
Lucas Red: is this about the Quinnipac poll that came out yesterday?
Lucas Blue: partly
Lucas Red: dude, Lamont’s on the upswing. Lieberman’s numbers can only get worse.
Lucas Blue: even so
Lucas Blue: it’s pretty disheartening to consider that a rising wonder can beat a deeply entrenched incumbent in a primary and then have to run against him again in the general
Lucas Blue: I mean, what is that shit?
Lucas Red: Joe thinks he has the votes
Lucas Red: and for whatever reason, the Republicans are playing along
Lucas Blue: the Connecticut Republicans are looking at all this and saying, “hmm… isn’t this… interesting.”
Lucas Red: their ability to organize continues to astound me
Lucas Blue: authoritarians are more organized by their nature
Lucas Blue: not so much with the arguing and suchlike
Lucas Blue: which is another thing that gets me down, the media in unison started characterizing Lamont as an extreme left-winger
Lucas Red: and the “blogosphere” in general
Lucas Blue: which is totally stupid. You don’t have to be an extreme liberal to post to a message board. You don’t have to be an extreme liberal to point out that the current administration is run by corrupt, willfully incompetent nincompoops who care only about their contributors
Lucas Red: and who think we’re long past due for the apocalypse, so they sure as shit aren’t going to waste any resources on trying to stop the state of the world from going to hell
Lucas Blue: “wings” are totally beside the point now. now it’s mostly about not being a fucking prick.
Lucas Red: now, now. There’s nothing wrong with assholes as long as they get the job done.
Lucas Blue: it’s a balance one must strike
Lucas Blue: with just the right amount of asshole in you, you can succeed yet be well-loved
Lucas Blue: (see: Dr. House)
Lucas Red: Vinegar Joe tipped the scales a little too openly and got caught
Lucas Blue: it’s very strange. His voting record may not have made him a Republican, but his campaign tactics surely did.
Lucas Red: well, no matter what happens, just remember that at least we’ll still have Stewart and Colbert.
Lucas Blue: that’s somewhat reassuring, although it won’t make gas any cheaper or the environment any cleaner
Lucas Red: at least you’ll still have schticks to rip off
Lucas Blue: I am NOT ripping off Formidable Opponent! (Jim!)
Lucas Blue: although I sort of am.
Lucas Blue: but since it is in the form of chat there will never be any cute moments such as those that occur when the camera shot switches to the other Stephen too early, so he’s still in the middle of the first Stephen’s
Lucas Red: line.
Lucas Red: oh, it can probably be done.
Lucas Blue: but it’s not so cute, is it?

Metaphor in disguise

blottobot and getwreckedicon

Lucas Blue: so I’ve been thinking about the Transformers
Lucas Red: oh?
Lucas Blue: and the parallels one can find in their story to world events both current and historical
Lucas Red: such as?
Lucas Blue: the Autobots get knocked around on Cybertron by the Decepticons
Lucas Blue: and then they say “fuck this shit” and take off for earth
Lucas Blue: JUST LIKE THE JEWS IN THE TIME OF MOSES
Lucas Red: interesting
Lucas Red: where the Jews wandered the desert for forty years, the Autobots were inactive for several million years in their spaceship
Lucas Blue: Optimus Prime, reluctant leader = Moses, reluctant leader
Lucas Red: tablets of stone = matrix of leadership
Lucas Blue: Primus = YHWH
Lucas Red: space bridge = parting of the Red Sea
Lucas Red: sorta
Lucas Blue: IT ALL FITS
Lucas Blue: I also see connections with the political factions in today’s deeply divided America
Lucas Red: totally
Lucas Red: Autobots are Democrats
Lucas Red: peace-loving, environmentally conscious cut-and-runners
Lucas Blue: that makes Joe Lieberman a DINObot
Lucas Red: well, even the Autobots had their militant faction
Lucas Blue: and the Decepticons are Republicans
Lucas Blue: looking out for themselves, eyes on domination and destruction of enemies, and just a little bit more organized and “on message” than the opposition
Lucas Red: but ultimately incompetent
Lucas Red: Megatron’s secretary of defense: Starscream
Lucas Blue: ha! his secretary of state was Soundwave but he replaced him in his second term with fucking Ratbat
Lucas Red: Shockwave = McCain
Lucas Blue: Unicron = Dick Cheney
Lucas Red: damn
Lucas Red: if Bush goes into a meeting with Cheney and comes out voiced by Leonard Nimoy, we are FUCKED

Dwoo hoo hoo

favorite character of no one

Lieberman = KOT

Forehindsight

The Daily Hey, while it has rarely come out daily, has been around for quite a while now. In one of my early posts, written before the Supreme Court handed George W. Bush the presidency but after it already seemed like Gore had lost, I, my ignorant, unseasoned voice emboldened by this strange, exciting new “blogging” technology, compiled a list of predictions for the Bush presidency.

Six years (and three ex-wives) later, let’s revisit these predictions, why don’t we, and see just how wrong I was.

Dubya’s pets, one dog and two cats, will become lovable national mascots and will on occasion meet world leaders in Dubya’s stead.

Barney, Bush’s Scottish terrier, was recently appointed ambassador to Finland. 70% correct.

Bush and Cheney will bathe in the blood of their enemies. Also with the blood of their enemies they will paint a barn, send relief packages to Transylvania, and prepare a delightful linguini dish.

All have happened, and have been detailed at length in Bob Woodward’s Plan of Attack.

Bush will refer to pasta solely as “noodles”.

And cats like to shit in the sand.

An embarrassing picture of Dubya will be published on an April 2001 cover of TIME in which Bush’s head is tipped over, his eyes are rolled back into his skull, and a long streamer of drool falls from his mouth. Possible headline: “Can Gene Therapy Help?”

nope
April 7, 2001

Dick Cheney will suffer a fatal heart attack on the floor of Congress as he is about to cast the deciding vote on whether or not the government should condemn homosexuality. He will clutch his chest and spin around comically before he falls to the ground, clutching a tiny American flag, his lesbian daughter’s name inaudibly escaping his lips. The movie version, starring Richard Dreyfuss and released the following year, will win six Oscars.

Stay tuned, folks!

Dubya will choose Joe Lieberman to replace Cheney. Lieberman will be flattered but decline. Dubya’s second choice, George H. W. Bush, will happily step back into the role.

Replace George H. W. Bush with Rudy Giuliani. And for heaven’s sake, replace Joe Lieberman with Ned Lamont.

Bill and Hillary Clinton will stay married, for the sake of her career this time. Chelsea will enjoy a short stint guest-hosting “Talk Soup” on E!. Playboy will offer her a giant truck full of cash to pose nude. She will make fun of them.

The Clintons are still married, but who knew Larry Flynt would get to Chelsea first?

Paula Jones, continuing to have trouble with her legal bills, will appear in a hard-core porn video with John Wayne Bobbitt.

That’s some sub-Leno topicality right there.

Al Gore and Bob Dole will co-host a politically-themed variety show featuring music, skits, and their own dry, witty banter. The show will be cancelled by FOX after four episodes. The reruns will continue to air on FX for another three months.

It never happened, but check out the new Gore/Dole buddy comedy, An Inconvenient What!?

Gore will authorize the publication of the un-retouched version of his ROLLING STONE cover photo. Women everywhere will swoon and purchase detachable shower heads.

Years later and global water pressure still hasn’t returned to normal.

California will be hit with a series of massive earthquakes. The result will be a natural geographical divide along the coast, and the government will rule that California should now be two states. The states are named “Alive California” and “Dead California”.

And this is why I still haven’t moved to the west coast.

Democrats and Republicans will say nasty things about the other’s behavior when they themselves did the exact same things last time.

Still waiting on this one.

Ralph Nader will chill out and lay low for awhile. Michael Moore will win the Green Party nomination in 2004. He will name Nader his VP candidate. Winona LaDuke will continue to be wherever the hell she was during the 2000 campaign.

And so she has been. For all I know. And who am I? Some guy who doesn’t know.

Palestinians will hate Americans even more than they used to. Eastern Europeans will hate Americans even more than they used to. The Chinese will hate Americans even more than they used to. Former Soviet Union republic residents will hate Americans even more than they used to. Western Europeans, Mexicans, Africans, South Americans, Israelis, Canadians, Arabs, the Japanese, and everyone in lower Asia will hate Americans even more than they used to. Australians will continue to like us okay.

Yups!

With Australia abstaining, every nation in the world will agree to wage war against America simultaneously. The war will be characterized in the press as a “conflict resolution effort”. Our armed forces, having dwindled in number, will require that a draft be reinstated. However, every single 18 to 24 year-old male will be able to avoid service by pretending to be flamboyantly gay.

And they pretended so hard that they ruined marriage.

Feeling pressure from all sides, Bush, his family, and his closest advisors will board a spacecraft and flee the planet, eventually setting up a colony on Titan, a moon of Saturn. The presidency will revert to the Bush family dog, who is accidentally left behind in a heartbreaking scene.

Two pet gags in the same bit? I really wasn’t paying attention when I was writing this. Anyway, yes, as ambassador to Finland, Barney is number 78 in line for the presidency, so…

…pudding cups.*

Tedward Kennedy will emerge as the front-runner for the Democratic presidential nod for 2004. He will be assassinated the next day. In the next week, other assassination victims will include Supreme Court Justice Kennedy, former MTV VJ Kennedy, actor Jamie Kennedy, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. People will be really confused.

That one Kennedy dude got into that Ambien-related car crash. I’m gonna say this one came true.

“Survivor” winner Richard Hatch easily snags the 2004 GOP presidential nod, largely on a platform of not being naked. Runner-up Rudy Boesch will get the veep nod. Sue Hawk will be mentioned as a possible Secretary of Truck Driving.

Who are these people?**

Jesse Ventura, with nothing but a machine gun, camoflauge pants, and a hunting knife, will make the world Safe Once Again For Democracy.

Why have you forsaken us, Jesse Ventura?

Why?

* Shorthand for “I’ve run out of steam with this joke and am abandoning it here”. It’s a thing. Tell your friends!

** I know full well who they are.

Let the eagle soar

So it looks like our long national nightmare is only half over. I’m not sure what to do about that. I briefly considered the possibility that I could try the whole Republican thing out for a while; since it’s so popular, there must be something to recommend it. I could go for a smaller government and some deregulated industries. Why not? I was always planning to be a millionaire anyway. Why shouldn’t I ride this Republican thing out?

It falls apart, though, because I am not nearly sickened enough at the thought of gay sex. Why, I’m hardly sickened at all. Just barely enough to keep me straight. Homosexuality is nature’s way of making population growth more incremental than exponential, and gay people should be welcomed into mainstream society with open arms. And/or flies. If you’re into that.

So now what? What happens for the next four years? Probably a continuation of the slow but steady transformation of the once-great American Republic into a passive-aggressive (but more aggressive than passive) global bully.

It’s probably true that, had John Kerry won the election, he wouldn’t have been able to accomplish much, what with Republicans controlling both Houses and the Supreme Court. He would have presided over more Iraq quagmire, impotent to extract our soldiers from the region. He may well have gone down in history as one of America’s most mediocre presidents.

But, you know, even so. Look what we’ve got now.

You know what you have to do

This is a Bush supporter:

lots of weapons

Or it could be an ironic “Bush supporter”. The answer cannot be determined from the evidence given.

It occurs to me that I first started writing in this blog four years ago, around the time of the last election. That’s a pretty long time. That’s an entire illegitimate presidency right there.

Tomorrow is Election Day. Go vote for John Kerry. Be sure to double-check your ballot, especially if you are using touch-screen voting machines. And if you’re in Illinois, vote for Barack Obama. (If you’re in Illinois, you were probably already planning to do that.)

Our long national nightmare is nearly over.

WAR

What, I’m not allowed to have a giant headline?

Shoney’s terrorism

All right, everybody. Settle down. Those three brown people in the restaurant were simply trying to enjoy the liver and onions. Let’s not go making a fuss, now. Brown people are all over the place. Maybe not at Shoney’s, sure. But even so, as yet we whiteys have not rounded them up into camps, and so they are free to roam the country as they like, with the exception of airports.

A few days ago I had to find an Ace Hardware store, so I went to their website. It happened to be on September 11, and Ace Hardware had replaced their regular front page with a white on black message saying, “We Remember September 11″. Hey, no shit. I remember it too. It was a pretty horrifying day. It will never be forgotten. So you remember it. Great. Have a cookie. Where the fuck is your store locator?

I’ve been seeing these messages everywhere. It’s not the sentiment that bothers me so much as the wording. “Remember” is not the right word. It is right to say “we remember the events of September 11″, but that connotes a minute-by-minute replaying of the action. We can remember those that died in the attacks, but if we don’t know anyone who died in the attacks, as I suspect the majority of Americans don’t, then we can’t really remember things and people we never knew. It’s really more like sympathy and grief. I guess “We Still Sympathize with the Survivors of Those Who Died on September 11″ isn’t as punchy. But who am I to give people shit? They don’t know what to say on the one year anniversary of the day the world blew up.

Well, other than “Hello, FBI? There are three suspicious Muslim-type guys in the booth adjacent to mine! Send help!”

I could go for some Shoney’s right about now…

Bottoms up

George W Bush recently had a colonoscopy. He transferred the powers of the president to Dick Cheney while he was undergoing the procedure. What, he can’t be president with a tube up his ass? FDR had a tube in his ass for four straight terms! Well, three terms and a bit of a fourth.

Nevertheless, I am sincerely relieved that our president’s colon is in fine health. Now, let’s get to work on that tort reform, Mr. President!

Am I right, people?

Daily Hey Magic Number: 6

Shape up

AN OPEN LETTER TO PALESTINIAN YOUTH.

Stop blowing yourselves up. Stop encouraging your peers to blow themselves up. If a friend of yours has a plan to blow him or herself up, take them aside and say, “My dear friend, do not blow yourself up.” If your elders encourage you to blow yourself up, give them the finger and tell them to blow it out their asses, but not literally.

See, all the blowing up of people is taking a bad problem and making it much, much worse. You’re struggling. You have a plight, it’s true. You want to make your message heard. Having your message heard, however, is not all there is to getting a problem solved. You also need some sympathy from other peoples. It’s getting more and more difficult to have sympathy for a group that likes to blow itself up. Frankly, you are ruining it for the rest of your people, those who simply wish to live their lives unfettered by the yoke of war. What you are doing breeds fear in the Israelis, and the Israelis’ fear directly results in antagonism of your people. Are you TRYING to get your own people killed? I mean, besides yourself, of course?

The next time you feel tempted to take yourself out and take as many people as possible with you, give it a good think. What awaits you on the other side? You really don’t know. Think about the men, women, boys, and girls who might be injured or killed in such an attack. Put yourself in their shoes. There, now. Aren’t you being a dickhead?

Gandhi and Martin Luther King showed us the way. Passive resistance. Sing spirituals. Let the newscameras come and record the Israelis beating the hell out of you, but don’t fight back. It may seem stupid, but YOU’RE the ones who have been BLOWING YOURSELVES UP, after all.

One more thing to consider: boobies. When in doubt, defer to the boobies, and they will guide for us the way.

Excuse #4

I’ve been putting together an exploratory committee to investigate a possible presidential candidacy on my part.

He so smart


“I smart,” said President George W. Bush.

Today, in front of millions of Americans, President George W. Bush, known to most as “W”, and to some as “GW”, unilaterally proclaimed that he is smart.

“A whole lotta people say to me, behind my back, that I am dumb,” said the president.

“That gets me pretty steamed,” he continued, twisting his mouth and staring at a space three feet in front of his face. “Because I smart.”

“I plenty smart.”

Hit it, Maestro

Closet musicalist, criminal mastermind and US Vice President Dick “The Chain” Cheney conducts the US Armed Forces Men’s A Cappella Chorus (informally known as the Hat And Brim Club) in the third movement of “My Evilness Is Conspicuously Vile” — a four hour epic choral symphony composed by Cheney himself, in what he says was a post-coronary artistic epiphany.

You are correctional, sir!

hey-o!

As if the moonlight singer-songwriting wasn’t enough. Now Ashcroft is going on Star Search?

But anyway, I’m sure Ed McMahon is the epitome of Brand America and homeland defense. Right?

Ashcroft? Shatner?

Oh, this is too much. This is just too much.

The Brits are reporting that “since John Ashcroft became US attorney general last year, workers at the department of justice have become accustomed to his daily prayer meetings, but some are now drawing the line at having to sing patriotic songs penned by their idiosyncratic boss.”

Unlike Shatner, at least John Ashcroft butchers his own material, instead of John Lennon’s. What really got me was not the song itself, which was too boring to even follow, but his lectern grabbing, hand clasping, three-points-of-the-audience hitting style. Straight out of Public Speaking 101.

Give me Bono at the Superbowl any day.