Category Archives: Funnyweird

House ape

la gorilla

Lucas Blue: so I’ve been thinking about the giant inflatable ape on the roof of my building
Lucas Red: oh?
Lucas Blue: it is tall and alarming
Lucas Red: and advertising new apartments!
Lucas Blue: yeah, the place has been under construction since I moved in, and they’re finally almost ready
Lucas Red: and so is the pool!
Lucas Blue: I am too fat to go swimming in public
Lucas Red: Nonsense. Swimming is more fun when you are fat. You can make your belly jiggle by pushing water towards it.
Lucas Blue: you’re right, that is fun, and fat makes it possible
Lucas Red: fat is fabulous
Lucas Blue: fat is my friend
Lucas Red: fat GIRLS are your friend. Yowza.
Lucas Blue: seriously, though
Lucas Blue: I need to lose some weight or I’m going to need to buy new pants
Lucas Red: I’m going to be honest here.
Lucas Red: You should probably buy new pants anyway.
Lucas Red: In your first week at work you tore two different pairs of pants on the metal keyboard tray holder under your desk.
Lucas Blue: the tear didn’t break the skin fabric!
Lucas Red: no, but there is clear scarring. And everyone at work is wondering WTF is up.
Lucas Blue: it’s a good thing I don’t wear the pants with the bleach stains on them.
Lucas Blue: but that’s really only because I can’t find them.
Lucas Red: the point here is that you have three “good” pairs of pants and two of them look like you’ve been selectively lighting bits of them on fire.
Lucas Blue: they do not!
Lucas Red: you dress like a bag lady!
Lucas Blue: I don’t have to listen to you! You’re not my REAL mom!
Lucas Red: that hurts.

Answer key

  1. A felt-tip pen.
  2. The bonesaw.
  3. Remus and Romulus.
  4. A-C-C-O-R-D-I-O-N.
  5. 1706–1790.
  6. Garden gnomes.
  7. Brief nudity, adult language, and strong sexual content.
  8. Copenhagen.
  9. Lenny Kravitz.
  10. A. Luxor.
    B. Luvox.
    C. Lexar.
    D. Lex Luthor.
  11. A sandalwood deck chair.
  12. Microsoft Bob™.
  13. Gerunds and present participles.
  14. “I always vote for the Irishman.”
  15. Wrestling, hollering, and playing the organ.
  16. July 15, 1988.
  17. Where the jaw meets the neck.
  18. Gerard Depardieu and Robert DeNiro.
  19. To defy contemptuously; to exhibit showily.
  20. In a crater.
  21. A. Peter Gabriel.
    B. Gabriel Byrne.
    C. David Byrne.
    D. Peter David.
  22. A golf trophy.
  23. The island of Maui.
  24. “An Imperial pint.”
  25. Am, is, are, was, were, do, did, done, have, has, had, should, would, could, be, been, may, might, must, will, shall, and can.
  26. The Village Green Preservation Society.
  27. Infrared.
  28. A furry skull.
  29. Kara, Erin, Theresa, Erin, Karen, Erin, Regina, Amy, Stephanie, Theresa.
  30. R.I.B, F.I.R.
  31. A urethral stricture.
  32. He discovered and described positive and negative electrical charges.
  33. Once every two months.
  34. Lawful neutral.
  35. About five hours.
  36. Martin Gardner.
  37. A. Fifth grade.
    B. In the margins of a graded social studies test.
    C. Crayon and blue ballpoint pen.
    D. Surprisingly accurate.
  38. “Geek syndrome”.
  39. Mrs. Stevenson and her daughter Polly.
  40. Foo Fighters, “Learning to Fly”.
  41. Jack Big-Ass.
  42. “In the name of the People of Illinois, I command peace.”

Bonus question:

  • As yet undetermined.

Neocon free verse

As we know,
There are known knowns.
There are things we know we know.
We also know
There are known unknowns.
That is to say
We know there are some things
We do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns,
The ones we don’t know
We don’t know.

—Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld

More here. It’s really all quite good.


Recently received in email:

Dear Sir or Madam,

My name is Michael Cole. I represent, a website that offers cosmetic surgery and sex reassignment procedures in Thailand by the famous Dr. Preecha Tiewtranon.

I am writing because is a popular destination for our target audience: pre and post operation transsexuals. We would like to invite you to be our affiliate. An affiliate is someone who places a Zundara banner or text link on their website, and collects a commission on referrals who schedule a procedure. will likely be an interesting choice for your viewers because it provides clear descriptions of every procedure available by Dr. Preecha. Surgeon credentials, affordable prices, and photos are complete and easy to find on the site.

Would you please be so kind as to visit and let me know if you would be interested in receiving a brief proposal? You can also view the Affiliate details and registration at The process is simple and quick!

How does this sound?

Best wishes,
Michael Cole

I like how the letter starts off with “Dear Sir or Madam”. That’s cute. I wonder if The Lucubus really is a popular destination for pre- and post-op transsexuals. I mean, aside from me. And how can I turn down affiliating myself with the famous Dr. Preecha Tiewtranon?

Decisions, decisions…!

A hunk of kerning love

As some of you may or may not know, I am now a student. Not a student of culture or of the world or of humanity or any junk like that; I am a student enrolled in an actual school, having paid tuition with actual money. Actually, the money is more theoretical at this point, but that’s neither here nor there. The point is, I am now taking classes four days a week down at the Institute of Design.

That’s right! I’m going to be a designer. What kind of designer, you ask? Stop pressuring me!

I am very happy, though, that one of my classes is dealing quite a bit with typography. I have always found typography bizarrely fascinating. There’s your serifs and sans serifs and your em-dashes and en-dashes and your ascenders and descenders and it’s all just very interesting. Garamond, the typeface that this website has made famous, has been mentioned in class as one of the classics. It must have been due for a resurgence! But I have also been discovering the joys of such classic fonts such as Bodoni and Univers.

And who could forget Cooper Black? Nobody, now that Behind the Typeface: Cooper Black is here to tell the tale!