The Daily Hey, while it has rarely come out daily, has been around for quite a while now. In one of my early posts, written before the Supreme Court handed George W. Bush the presidency but after it already seemed like Gore had lost, I, my ignorant, unseasoned voice emboldened by this strange, exciting new “blogging” technology, compiled a list of predictions for the Bush presidency.
Six years (and three ex-wives) later, let’s revisit these predictions, why don’t we, and see just how wrong I was.
Dubya’s pets, one dog and two cats, will become lovable national mascots and will on occasion meet world leaders in Dubya’s stead.
Barney, Bush’s Scottish terrier, was recently appointed ambassador to Finland. 70% correct.
Bush and Cheney will bathe in the blood of their enemies. Also with the blood of their enemies they will paint a barn, send relief packages to Transylvania, and prepare a delightful linguini dish.
All have happened, and have been detailed at length in Bob Woodward’s Plan of Attack.
Bush will refer to pasta solely as “noodles”.
And cats like to shit in the sand.
An embarrassing picture of Dubya will be published on an April 2001 cover of TIME in which Bush’s head is tipped over, his eyes are rolled back into his skull, and a long streamer of drool falls from his mouth. Possible headline: “Can Gene Therapy Help?”
April 7, 2001
Dick Cheney will suffer a fatal heart attack on the floor of Congress as he is about to cast the deciding vote on whether or not the government should condemn homosexuality. He will clutch his chest and spin around comically before he falls to the ground, clutching a tiny American flag, his lesbian daughter’s name inaudibly escaping his lips. The movie version, starring Richard Dreyfuss and released the following year, will win six Oscars.
Stay tuned, folks!
Dubya will choose Joe Lieberman to replace Cheney. Lieberman will be flattered but decline. Dubya’s second choice, George H. W. Bush, will happily step back into the role.
Replace George H. W. Bush with Rudy Giuliani. And for heaven’s sake, replace Joe Lieberman with Ned Lamont.
Bill and Hillary Clinton will stay married, for the sake of her career this time. Chelsea will enjoy a short stint guest-hosting “Talk Soup” on E!. Playboy will offer her a giant truck full of cash to pose nude. She will make fun of them.
The Clintons are still married, but who knew Larry Flynt would get to Chelsea first?
Paula Jones, continuing to have trouble with her legal bills, will appear in a hard-core porn video with John Wayne Bobbitt.
That’s some sub-Leno topicality right there.
Al Gore and Bob Dole will co-host a politically-themed variety show featuring music, skits, and their own dry, witty banter. The show will be cancelled by FOX after four episodes. The reruns will continue to air on FX for another three months.
It never happened, but check out the new Gore/Dole buddy comedy, An Inconvenient What!?
Gore will authorize the publication of the un-retouched version of his ROLLING STONE cover photo. Women everywhere will swoon and purchase detachable shower heads.
Years later and global water pressure still hasn’t returned to normal.
California will be hit with a series of massive earthquakes. The result will be a natural geographical divide along the coast, and the government will rule that California should now be two states. The states are named “Alive California” and “Dead California”.
And this is why I still haven’t moved to the west coast.
Democrats and Republicans will say nasty things about the other’s behavior when they themselves did the exact same things last time.
Still waiting on this one.
Ralph Nader will chill out and lay low for awhile. Michael Moore will win the Green Party nomination in 2004. He will name Nader his VP candidate. Winona LaDuke will continue to be wherever the hell she was during the 2000 campaign.
And so she has been. For all I know. And who am I? Some guy who doesn’t know.
Palestinians will hate Americans even more than they used to. Eastern Europeans will hate Americans even more than they used to. The Chinese will hate Americans even more than they used to. Former Soviet Union republic residents will hate Americans even more than they used to. Western Europeans, Mexicans, Africans, South Americans, Israelis, Canadians, Arabs, the Japanese, and everyone in lower Asia will hate Americans even more than they used to. Australians will continue to like us okay.
With Australia abstaining, every nation in the world will agree to wage war against America simultaneously. The war will be characterized in the press as a “conflict resolution effort”. Our armed forces, having dwindled in number, will require that a draft be reinstated. However, every single 18 to 24 year-old male will be able to avoid service by pretending to be flamboyantly gay.
And they pretended so hard that they ruined marriage.
Feeling pressure from all sides, Bush, his family, and his closest advisors will board a spacecraft and flee the planet, eventually setting up a colony on Titan, a moon of Saturn. The presidency will revert to the Bush family dog, who is accidentally left behind in a heartbreaking scene.
Two pet gags in the same bit? I really wasn’t paying attention when I was writing this. Anyway, yes, as ambassador to Finland, Barney is number 78 in line for the presidency, so…
Tedward Kennedy will emerge as the front-runner for the Democratic presidential nod for 2004. He will be assassinated the next day. In the next week, other assassination victims will include Supreme Court Justice Kennedy, former MTV VJ Kennedy, actor Jamie Kennedy, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. People will be really confused.
That one Kennedy dude got into that Ambien-related car crash. I’m gonna say this one came true.
“Survivor” winner Richard Hatch easily snags the 2004 GOP presidential nod, largely on a platform of not being naked. Runner-up Rudy Boesch will get the veep nod. Sue Hawk will be mentioned as a possible Secretary of Truck Driving.
Who are these people?**
Jesse Ventura, with nothing but a machine gun, camoflauge pants, and a hunting knife, will make the world Safe Once Again For Democracy.
Why have you forsaken us, Jesse Ventura?
* Shorthand for “I’ve run out of steam with this joke and am abandoning it here”. It’s a thing. Tell your friends!
** I know full well who they are.