AN OPEN LETTER TO PALESTINIAN YOUTH.

Stop blowing yourselves up. Stop encouraging your peers to blow themselves up. If a friend of yours has a plan to blow him or herself up, take them aside and say, “My dear friend, do not blow yourself up.” If your elders encourage you to blow yourself up, give them the finger and tell them to blow it out their asses, but not literally.

See, all the blowing up of people is taking a bad problem and making it much, much worse. You’re struggling. You have a plight, it’s true. You want to make your message heard. Having your message heard, however, is not all there is to getting a problem solved. You also need some sympathy from other peoples. It’s getting more and more difficult to have sympathy for a group that likes to blow itself up. Frankly, you are ruining it for the rest of your people, those who simply wish to live their lives unfettered by the yoke of war. What you are doing breeds fear in the Israelis, and the Israelis’ fear directly results in antagonism of your people. Are you TRYING to get your own people killed? I mean, besides yourself, of course?

The next time you feel tempted to take yourself out and take as many people as possible with you, give it a good think. What awaits you on the other side? You really don’t know. Think about the men, women, boys, and girls who might be injured or killed in such an attack. Put yourself in their shoes. There, now. Aren’t you being a dickhead?

Gandhi and Martin Luther King showed us the way. Passive resistance. Sing spirituals. Let the newscameras come and record the Israelis beating the hell out of you, but don’t fight back. It may seem stupid, but YOU’RE the ones who have been BLOWING YOURSELVES UP, after all.

One more thing to consider: boobies. When in doubt, defer to the boobies, and they will guide for us the way.