Me: “Sometimes I wish that I could just pick you up and throw you around.”
Her: “What does that even mean?”
Me: “I’m not sure, but I mean it affectionately.”
Her: “Well, that’s the spirit in which I’m choosing to take it.”
Me: “Good, because that’s the spirit in which I meant it.”
Me: “Sometimes I wish I could dunk you like a basketball.”
You’ve got a long, long wait
Until your corpse gets swept away
Into the water.
It will be longer still
Before the government can
Notify your daughter.
“Stop looking at me. I can’t work when you’re looking at me.”
“How do you know I’m looking at you?”
“I said, how do you know I’m looking at you?”
“Because I looked up and saw you looking at me.”
“As I suspected. Could it not be the case, then, that your inability to do work is related not to my looking at you, but rather you looking at me?”
“Stop looking at me.”
Alas, for I am a lunkhead. I say lunkhead words and I perform lunkhead actions. I read lunkhead books and watch television shows that have been specifically designed for lunkheads. Come election season, I shall invariably vote for any candidate running on the lunkhead ticket. I am constantly asked to sit in the lunkhead section at the back of the bus, and I risk inciting a riot if I happen to sip the cool water from the non-lunkhead drinking fountain in the public square. I go to lunkhead church every Sunday and worship my lunkhead God, who created me in His image. When I die I will be buried in the lunkhead section of the cemetery in the shadow of an aging oak tree, whose weakening limbs stretch up toward a decaying leafy ceiling that barely thrives beneath the gloom of a smoky gray firmament.
Or slightly more precisely
I am so drunk that when I stand up I feel like I’m going to fall off.
Daily Hey Magic Number: Zero. I am going to go drink some more now.
How drunk am I?
Daily Hey Magic Number: 1
I am drunk.
Daily Hey Magic Number: 2
Am I offensive? Are you offended? Should I tone it down? Should I consider middle America? Should I take this out of the family hour?
Are you not offended enough? Should I make ugly assertions? Shall I express indefensible political views? Perhaps I should engage in derogatory commentary regarding categorizations of some kind?
Do my tits look okay?
Daily Hey Magic Number: 60
These foolish things remind me of you.
Daily Hey Magic Number: 63
Sorry to crimp your style.
Sorry to put a snitch in your side.
Sorry to put a throne in your paw.
Daily Hey Magic Number: 68
Let’s destroy the world and you’ll forever be alone with me
Daily Hey Magic Number: 88
Daily Hey Magic Number: 89
Daily Hey Magic Number: 90