Mr. John Oates’s number one fan

My older brother, John, is one year closer to thirty today.

I do not have, offhand, a hilarious picture of him to post, so I will instead share with you this email message he wrote to me. This was his response to my assumption that a fellow posting as “HansDrinker” on my forum was impersonating several of my friends on the very same forum. “HansDrinker” was, as it turned out, John. (Note: the thread in which his original message and my reply appear has been erased, as I felt really stupid about it.) I can’t say I agree with everything he said in response, but I can’t argue with the way he said it:

Unfortunately, I don’t know of the person who has been impersonating you. It certainly wasn’t me – I’m perfectly happy being myself, or a crude likeness thereof. Would an impersonating asshole go to the trouble of filling out the personal info (all 100% true by the way, and full of hints on my true identity) on the profile and post a picture of rocker John Oates? Would an inpersonating asshole think up a creative and thought-provoking name (one that I have been using, on and off, for several years, mind you) like HansDrinker? Would an impersonating asshole go to the trouble to check and double check the lyrics to the theme song from such a shitty show as the Facts of Life? I think not. I apologize if my post in some small part ruffled some feathers (as a soon-to-be 28 year old I can certainly verify that the facts of life are indeed all about you) – that was not my intent by any means. I was only trying to be amusing to you and your cohorts (where’s the joy?) and be part of the club. I saw the email below and went to your forum almost trembling with excitement at what new witty posts may lay in waiting. Needless to say I was disappointed at what I found. I look at the Lucubus on almost a daily basis, and I was looking forward to the opportunity to contribute my two cents worth to the forum.

I don’t know what hardships this asshole impersonator has caused you, but I am dismayed at the one obvious result. Despite the name encased at the top of the menu at the top of your forum start page (“I Do Not Know These People”), it appears that you do indeed know “these people”, and any unknown newcomers are met with extreme prejudice and hosility. The irony of the forum title notwithstanding, perhaps in a deeper sense it speaks of the inability for human beings to truly connect with one another in this modern, electronic, cold-hearted age where people spend countless hours “communicating” with each other using a keyboard and modem and don’t even know the name of the person that lives in the apartment next door. Regardless, were it my forum (a pipe dream, alas), I would have been delighted at a new, well-crafted, obviously thought-out post from a total stranger who put witty things into his profile. Perhaps in time I would come to think “This man of mystery, HansDrinker – what a lovable old drunk!” And perhaps in time you would have come to think that, as well.

But it is not to be. And so, I proclaim to you – HansDrinker is John Russell Hackett, born on January 30, 1974… [personal information snipped] …Like yourself, I attended Northwestern University, graduating with a degree in environmental engineering. I then went to Clemson University and obtained a Master’s degree in the same discipline. I currently live in Denver, CO, and work at an engineering consulting company, where I do work in the areas of environmental radioactive waste remediation and risk assessment. I am single, but looking (and, if one were to judge by the length of this, in obvious – nay, desperate – need of a girlfriend). In my spare time, I enjoy reading (The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay was fucking awesome), playing guitar, listening to music, and David Lynch movies. More recently, I also have gotten into mountain biking, taking black and white pictures with my new digital camera, and the West Wing (the Bernie Mac show is also pretty good).

Well. Perhaps this has convinced you. Perhaps not. It may be better to be feared than loved, but you catch more flies with sugar than you do with vinegar.

I have posted this at his suggestion. Happy birthday, John!

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