Ask Dr. Lucas

Dr. Lucas will answer the questions of you, the readers. Dr. Lucas is not technically a doctor, nor does he aspire to be one. In fact, he has no desire to jump through any of the hoops that would be required for him to meet the bare minimum of qualifications necessary for someone who wishes to spend time doling out advice to people. But that is neither here nor there, because the questions he is going to answer for you, the readers, were all made up anyway and not actually asked by anyone.

Dear Dr. Lucas,
My girlfriend just broke up with me because she heard me singing in the shower! I tried to tell her that “I’m Humping My Girlfriend’s Sister” is a popular R&B single getting serious radioplay these days, but a casual flip through the dial never turns it up! What do I do?

Crooner in Connecticut

Dear Crooner,
You are not very smart. “I’m Humping My Girlfriend’s Sister” is not a recent single, nor was it ever particularly popular. Try searching for it in Napster.

Best,
Dr. Lucas

Dear Dr. Lucas,
I keep having strange pains on the left side of my face. These occur every time my boyfriend and I sleep together. What is wrong?

Painful in Pennsylvania

Dear Painful,
You are not very smart. What you and your boyfriend call “sleeping together” the rest of us call “boxing”. Tell him to hit you on the other side of the head every once in a while – that’ll even out the pain to both sides of your face.

Best,
Dr. Lucas

Dear Dr. Lucas,
Help! A lion just escaped from the zoo! What on earth can a single man like myself do?

Sweating in Seattle

Dear Sweating,
First, consider placing a personal ad in the local paper. Your friends may laugh and tease you mercilessly, but if various factors work together there’s a chance you could make that magical connection. Another thing to try is to go to singles bars. The women there can be shallow and materialistic, but just as often they are drunk and/or desperate, so if you play your cards right, they’ll suddenly find they can’t get rid of you. If all else fails, mail-order brides are more widely available than ever, from all over the globe. South Asian? Middle Eastern? Eastern European? Whatever your “thing”, there’s a woman out there somewhere just waiting for you to pay the requisite amount of dollars and sweep her off her feet! Hopefully, your woes will be a thing of the past in no time. And good luck with that lion!

Best,
Dr. Lucas

Dear Dr. Lucas,
Christmas is coming! The goose is getting fat. If I haven’t got a penny to put in the old man’s hat, will a ha’penny do?

Yuletide Yutz in Yonkers

Dear Yutz,
You are not very smart. If you haven’t got a penny, then indeed, a ha’penny will do. If you haven’t got a ha’penny, then God bless you!

Best,
Dr. Lucas

Dear Dr. Lucas,
One week ago, I had a baby. It has not stopped crying since. What is wrong with it?

Irritated in Iowa

Dear Irritated,
It depends. Is it a boy or a girl? Have you checked? If it is one, it may be upset it is not the other. Gender confusion happens much earlier in life nowadays than it did when you or I were growing up. Alternately, perhaps your child has been watching movies with emotional endings. Do the tears appear to be of sorrow or of joy? If this continues, you might consider taking your baby to a psychiatrist. It’s never too early for Prozac!

Best,
Dr. Lucas

Dear Dr. Lucas,
I am a thirtysomething white male who is married to a wonderful lady and has two adorable daughters. I have my dream job, and make more money than I ever possibly dreamed I would. I drive a nice car, live in a big house, and smell like baby powder, even without showering. I am deliriously happy. Thing is, I am thinking about throwing it all away to move down to Mexico and shack up with a fourteen year old girl I met in a chatroom. What do you think?

Tempted in Texas

Dear Tempted,
Carpe Diem! Go for it!

Best,
Dr. Lucas

Feedback whore

All right.

I am a total slut for commentary on my individual articles and my site in general. I have not been getting too much feedback from you, my adoring readers. Perhaps you are confused, because there are so many options available. Let’s run through them together.

1. If you answer the poll on the left side of the page, you will find there is a window in which you can leave comments. Use this space to enter witty anonymous things about the nature of the poll that everyone can read. Also you may type things such as “Frig My Big Pig Wig”, which someone actually wrote.
2. Beneath the poll, you may have noticed an email form. Fill that with your name and email address and tell me what you’re thinking. It doesn’t even have to be about the website. Maybe you just want a pen pal. Maybe you need advice on your love life. Maybe you want to give me a stern talking-to. Fill out the form and send it. I reserve the right to quote you in an article if you are entertaining and if I otherwise run out of ideas.
3. The Comments link at the bottom of each article. Here is your chance to respond to what I have just written. Agree? Disagree? Am I mistaken? Can you clarify something? Can I get a “hell yeah”? If you post a comment, I am likely to repsond with a comment, and everybody will get to read our conversation, and it will be very entertaining for all parties involved.
4. My guestbook. Sign in here, and tell me your general thoughts on the site, or of any one part of it. Then, read what other people have written! It’s a community!
5. Finally, my Delphi forum. I don’t envision this as being about the site at all, but rather as a community where conversations can be enjoyed and online friendships can flourish. Membership to Delphi is free, and the pop-up ads are minimal. Your posts can include HTML formatting, and it is very easy to post pictures and things. Also, there are more polls! And you can create your own. What could be better?

Only by working together can we open the avenues of communication and bring the world together as one. And if we do not, my friends, then the terrorists have already won.

http://www.verylowsodium.com/fanimutation/exuberance.php

Grand pianos crash together

I am subscribed to AT&T’s @Home cable modem service. Apparently, all along they have merely been reselling to me Excite’s @Home service, and inflating the price to suit their twisted ends. However, Excite wanted a piece of that hot action, and AT&T wouldn’t play ball, so Excite stopped doing business with them. Result? I’m using dial-up.

I cannot overemphasize how much this sucks.

Fuck you, dial-up. Fuck you, giant squabbling corporations.

¡Viva la Grammarporn!

Boyz II Men ABC BBD

This post has nothing to do with Boyz II Men, Another Bad Creation, nor Bell Biv Devoe. I apologize.

I received earlier today in the mail this missive from a fellow named Mr. Action Sports. (Who are you, by the way? I prefer real names when people leave comments. Your crazy fake names just confuse and frighten me.) Here is his message in its entirety:

I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey. I demand an update to the Daily Hey.

Well, there you go. Sassified?

Rhi-spect

Those of you who know me well will have no trouble remembering two of my favorite things: reality television and camgirls. I like reality television so much that I auditioned for Survivor; I like camgirls so much that I have become one. Look at me! I’m pretty! Send money! Ahem.

It is in the spirit of chocolate-meets-peanut butter excitement that I have made a donation to the prize pot at Survivorcam 2, a game in which various persons with webcams compete in tribes and vote each other off and all the rest. I have found the antics of the contestants and the judges very entertaining throughout the game, and I felt it was the least I could do to add a little more money to the pot. (Also, the promise of a link to my page was something a PR savant like myself could not pass up. Hi, strange visitors!) At this point, there are two contestants left: Livian and Rhiannon, both of whom are actually named Rhiannon. In fact, a third player named Rhiannon was in the game, but was voted out fairly early on. If the world of webcams is anything to go by, “Rhiannon” is perhaps the third most popular name in the world. I am really starting to like the name “Rhiannon”. In fact, I may change my own name to “Rhiannon”. Of course, then I would have to change the name of my website to “The Rhiubus” and damn it, but that’s just not as catchy.

But I digress. Go Rhiannon(s)!

At this writing, doing a search for “towelhead jokes” on Google will bring up this site as the number one hit. I have already gotten two hits from people searching for “towelhead jokes” on Google. Ironically, the post in question contained no “towelhead jokes” other than the phrase “no towelhead jokes, please”, which in and of itself is not a “towelhead joke” but could possibly be considered one on a technicality – that being that it contains the words “towelhead jokes”, and that the comment was intended to be topical and funny, unlike genuine “towelhead jokes”, which may be topical but are nasty, awful things, unless you are a part of that sub-group which is defined in derogatory terms as “towelheads” and find said “jokes” funny, in which case I say ha ha, dear chap. Ha ha. But I am not about to go making any “towelhead jokes”, and so those who come to my site in search of “towelhead jokes” are going to be sorely disappointed, oh yes they are.

And now, to prove my point that I am not going to make any “towelhead jokes”, I am going to post something that is the opposite of a “towelhead joke”: an hilarious picture of Hall, or possibly Oates, that my older brother would like me to put up so that I can discuss whether or not I would like to have his hairstyle.

You know, I think I *would* like to have his hairstyle. Oh, barber! I’ll have one of those, and hold the moustache!

Oo-hoo, the time is getting closer

I have decided to keep the Lucas R Hackett Photo Gallery offsite, at Yahoo! Photos, because they will allow me thirty megs of space for images alone, and I’m probably already well over the limit I’m paying for with Pair. I may ultimately have to switch to the next account up, because I’m expecting an increase in bandwidth, baby! I’m gonna be the next “I KISS YOU” guy, Zamfir or whatever his name was. But anyway, yes, I am in the process of making the photo gallery, and it will be very thorough, covering the years when I was just a wee lad all the way through present day, when I am a less-wee lad. And it will ultimately be interesting to all of four people. Or possibly five.

Manipulating images RULES

Every so often, Warren Ellis on his forum asks regulars to contribute logo-esque images for him to use on the forum’s start page. I don’t know how “regular” I am (I don’t get much fiber), but I made a few. And here they are. Enjoy.

1. Geometry.

2. Science and technology.

3. Political satire.

4. El Greco’s interpretation.

(That’s Warren Ellis’s face on there, if you couldn’t figure it out.)

Hooray!

Another update

I have uploaded a bunch of new drawings to the “Weirder” section of Drawing Is Fun. Hence, all the links that were inactive there are now active. So go and look at my little drawings and ooh and aah and ask yourself, “Is this Art? Or is it all just Piffle?” I drew most of them at work, if that’s any indication, but I don’t count them as “doodles” because I had a specific plan in mind when I drew each one of them.

Here’s a sample of the fine work to be found there.

The Roman Aqueducts

Astonishing.

Splop!

There is a leak in the ceiling here in the office where I work. On the floor just behind my chair, and hence getting knocked around by my chair, is a little blue recycling bin which has been positioned beneath the leak so as to catch the water. There are several other such leaks here in our office. We are counting down the days until the entire ceiling collapses altogether.

In other news, this page does indeed look screwy in Netscape. It also looks screwy in Opera, although in a slightly different manner. I do not believe I will pursue fixes for these idiosyncrasies. It is a pointless endeavor. Changing one bit will just screw up a different bit. So I have sold my soul to Bill Gates. He is a fiery hell demon! And I hear he picks his nose and eats it!

In lieu of actual content

It’s been a while since I last showed a picture of my kitty. So here’s one.

I’ll never trust the liberal media again

Well, if there were any.

Seriously, several days ago I posted about reports that CNN footage of Palestinians celebrating in the wake of the WTC disaster was *actually* footage of Palestinians dancing and cheering at some sort of sock hop back in 1991. I picked up this story from CounterPunch which I had believed to be a reputable left-wing nutter news source. Well, maybe it is. But some days later (and once again, the Lucubus is the very last site ever in the world to jump on this story), the fellow filing the article was challenged to provide evidence for his claim and it turns out, ahem, that he hadn’t actually watched the footage and had gotten the information from someone who hadn’t watched the footage recently EITHER.

From http://uk.indymedia.org/display.php3?article_id=11546:

As a result of this, I have made a decision: every time I decide to run a news tip, no matter what the subject, I will clarify it with the phrase “if you can believe this asshole”. CNN, Drudge, Mike Wallace, whoever: if it is purported to be hard news, I will say “if you can believe this asshole”. No offense to the actual reporter is intended, unless he or she is actually an asshole.

Example: If you can believe this asshole, Russia is providing a financial boost to the anti-Taliban forces in Afghanistan.

Thank you and good day.