Ask Dr. Lucas
Dr. Lucas will answer the questions of you, the readers. Dr. Lucas is not technically a doctor, nor does he aspire to be one. In fact, he has no desire to jump through any of the hoops that would be required for him to meet the bare minimum of qualifications necessary for someone who wishes to spend time doling out advice to people. But that is neither here nor there, because the questions he is going to answer for you, the readers, were all made up anyway and not actually asked by anyone.
Dear Dr. Lucas,
My girlfriend just broke up with me because she heard me singing in the shower! I tried to tell her that “I’m Humping My Girlfriend’s Sister” is a popular R&B single getting serious radioplay these days, but a casual flip through the dial never turns it up! What do I do?
Crooner in Connecticut
Dear Crooner,
You are not very smart. “I’m Humping My Girlfriend’s Sister” is not a recent single, nor was it ever particularly popular. Try searching for it in Napster.
Best,
Dr. Lucas
Dear Dr. Lucas,
I keep having strange pains on the left side of my face. These occur every time my boyfriend and I sleep together. What is wrong?
Painful in Pennsylvania
Dear Painful,
You are not very smart. What you and your boyfriend call “sleeping together” the rest of us call “boxing”. Tell him to hit you on the other side of the head every once in a while – that’ll even out the pain to both sides of your face.
Best,
Dr. Lucas
Dear Dr. Lucas,
Help! A lion just escaped from the zoo! What on earth can a single man like myself do?
Sweating in Seattle
Dear Sweating,
First, consider placing a personal ad in the local paper. Your friends may laugh and tease you mercilessly, but if various factors work together there’s a chance you could make that magical connection. Another thing to try is to go to singles bars. The women there can be shallow and materialistic, but just as often they are drunk and/or desperate, so if you play your cards right, they’ll suddenly find they can’t get rid of you. If all else fails, mail-order brides are more widely available than ever, from all over the globe. South Asian? Middle Eastern? Eastern European? Whatever your “thing”, there’s a woman out there somewhere just waiting for you to pay the requisite amount of dollars and sweep her off her feet! Hopefully, your woes will be a thing of the past in no time. And good luck with that lion!
Best,
Dr. Lucas
Dear Dr. Lucas,
Christmas is coming! The goose is getting fat. If I haven’t got a penny to put in the old man’s hat, will a ha’penny do?
Yuletide Yutz in Yonkers
Dear Yutz,
You are not very smart. If you haven’t got a penny, then indeed, a ha’penny will do. If you haven’t got a ha’penny, then God bless you!
Best,
Dr. Lucas
Dear Dr. Lucas,
One week ago, I had a baby. It has not stopped crying since. What is wrong with it?
Irritated in Iowa
Dear Irritated,
It depends. Is it a boy or a girl? Have you checked? If it is one, it may be upset it is not the other. Gender confusion happens much earlier in life nowadays than it did when you or I were growing up. Alternately, perhaps your child has been watching movies with emotional endings. Do the tears appear to be of sorrow or of joy? If this continues, you might consider taking your baby to a psychiatrist. It’s never too early for Prozac!
Best,
Dr. Lucas
Dear Dr. Lucas,
I am a thirtysomething white male who is married to a wonderful lady and has two adorable daughters. I have my dream job, and make more money than I ever possibly dreamed I would. I drive a nice car, live in a big house, and smell like baby powder, even without showering. I am deliriously happy. Thing is, I am thinking about throwing it all away to move down to Mexico and shack up with a fourteen year old girl I met in a chatroom. What do you think?
Tempted in Texas
Dear Tempted,
Carpe Diem! Go for it!
Best,
Dr. Lucas