SURVIVOR AUDITION VIDEO
RAW FOOTAGE SHOT LIST, TAPE 1, 9 APRIL 2001

0:00:00 // hi there red light
0:00:25 // arms folded reacting
0:00:54 // gimme some emotions
0:01:05 // music in later
0:01:16 // cover pimple
0:01:30 // pimple saltwater
0:02:00 // my cat his name is sam
0:02:22 // who could make me do that
0:02:30 // emotions
0:02:40 // hunger
0:03:06 // urine
0:04:00 // whiny guy who sits around
0:04:21 // tasteful couch
0:05:00 // oh lord I’m so hungry
0:05:19 // does it hurt my chances
0:07:52 // possible interaction other tribe member
0:08:25 // handie appears
0:08:57 // sammy enters the shot
0:09:34 // whisper sammy
0:09:52 // I don’t think he’ll tell
0:10:10 // strong
0:10:50 // push ups not boot camp
0:11:27 // eleven?
0:11:39 // full grown cat
0:12:20 // strong enough for thatch!
0:13:05 // floor jumping jacks
0:13:27 // trying to sleep
0:13:42 // I heard it is
0:13:57 // lip smacking
0:14:38 // sean cannery
0:14:58 // whole tape sammy head
0:16:53 // my surviving?
0:17:45 // america will find dorks charming
0:17:55 // lips
0:18:05 // farting noises
0:19:26 // fart menagerie
0:20:38 // feral?
0:20:55 // fingernails
0:21:19 // wild animals
0:22:51 // 10 seconds
0:23:26 // peekaboo
0:24:00 // dumb umbrella dancing
0:25:05 // I will pretend to be afraid of bugs
0:25:29 // burnett
0:26:00 // mess with me?
0:27:10 // comic books
0:28:15 // cute naked girls I don’t have a girlfriend
0:28:35 // drawings on the wall
0:29:14 // non-skinny people
0:30:45 // failed drawing 1
0:31:27 // failed drawing 2
0:32:07 // failed drawing 3
0:34:09 // giving up
0:35:02 // smurvivor
0:35:15 // outsmurf
0:35:58 // chair as luxury item
0:36:30 // luxury item bull shit
0:37:30 // infected myself
0:38:05 // heartworms
0:38:12 // shits
0:38:43 // all trees allergy
0:39:00 // all animals with hair and also without hair
0:39:15 // inky substance on contact
0:39:44 // motorboat lies
0:39:59 // world series
0:40:09 // long walks on romantic beaches
0:41:27 // shrugging
0:41:39 // me me me
0:41:46 // I’m your winner
0:42:30 // cell phone stapler
0:42:52 // stapler idiot
0:43:09 // monkey laugh
0:43:30 // chair dancing
0:43:49 // falling you didn’t see that
0:44:35 // military service
0:45:51 // pretty good at sittin’ around on my ass
0:46:12 // survivor vs. big brother
0:49:18 // and my cat feels the same way!
0:50:00 // mask take 1
0:50:57 // hormone?
0:51:07 // mask halloween
0:51:55 // feeling down
0:52:16 // mask as luxury item
0:52:48 // fellatio laughter
0:53:14 // fellatio keanu
0:53:43 // mountain dew
0:53:56 // gum arabic
0:54:00 // drink whole mountain dew
0:55:00 // official sponsor
0:55:14 // spokesperson material
0:55:23 // pointing ends
0:56:25 // guitar
0:57:34 // surviverrrrrrrr
1:00:38 // dork wad vs.gay wad
1:00:53 // eat shit
1:06:39 // push it
1:08:12 // cool keyboard sounds
1:11:16 // bad andy kaufman
1:12:31 // voila sil vous plait
1:13:24 // slide whistle
1:13:51 // thread bare blue jay
1:14:03 // large breasted bald canary
1:14:20 // wacky owl
1:17:54 // sammy plays in window
1:18:16 // talking about walks in the city
1:19:08 // as above
1:20:02 // as above
1:20:30 // funny faces
1:20:56 // hi, my name is lucas hackett
1:21:10 // america wink
1:21:25 // teeth?
1:21:44 // oral hygiene in the outback
1:22:00 // fingernails have tiny ridges
1:23:00 // most people’s teeth are made out of teeth
1:23:18 // everybody has teeth
1:23:37 // I defy you
1:24:24 // outwit, duh, outplay, duh, outlast
1:26:00 // talking to a tape
1:26:50 // what I will
1:27:12 // when I was in elementary school
1:27:42 // kick ass
1:28:12 // rude gesture
1:28:43 // pee-wee herman don’t deny it
1:29:26 // johnny johnny whoops johnny
1:29:39 // bill cosby
1:31:00 // the no-talent chair dance
1:31:30 // a jester a joker a fool if you will
1:32:57 // niche: pixie
1:33:45 // I like my hair
1:33:52 // winning eyebrows
1:34:39 // bobby pins
1:35:24 // handie reappears
1:35:51 // let it snow?
1:36:52 // under my skin
1:38:38 // a few things about my hair
1:39:20 // funny funny hair
1:40:08 // marty we gotta get to the time machine
1:40:20 // no mousse no gel no spray
1:41:26 // happy trails
1:41:50 // are you lonesome tonight
1:43:05 // tell the survivor producers one thing
1:43:50 // late 1998 early 1999
1:44:31 // when I think of
1:45:05 // and now I have zeal
1:45:30 // everybody think like this?
1:45:50 // spread awareness
1:46:50 // dayton ohio
1:47:12 // cat is a cat
1:47:15 // you’re so cute ouch meow bite tail
1:48:05 // my family
1:49:05 // outdoors experience
1:49:22 // dying to do it
1:49:50 // ya gotta do it
1:50:40 // how ya doin
1:51:58 // je me sens faible
1:53:02 // money is not as important to me
1:53:14 // hot chicks
1:53:33 // sparks fly
2:01:02 // thumbs to me

I have invented two new words and have already begun to incorporate them into my daily vocabulary.

When we feel like eating, we are hungry. When we feel like drinking, we are thirsty. When we feel like getting busy, we are horny. But what if we feel like going to the bathroom?

There is simply no delicate way to articulate this feeling. “I’ve gotta pee.” “I have to poop.” “I need to drop a deuce.” These crude expressions need to be replaced with new words that allow us to express our feelings without getting into the mechanics of the activity.

Enter shisty and pisty.

shisty [shih'·stee]
adj.
1. Desiring to defecate.
2. Having a sensation in the body wherein defecation seems imminent.
Example sentence: It never fails; an hour after eating a chili dog, I’m always shisty.

pisty [pih'·stee]
adj.
1. Characterized by or expressing a need to pee.
2. Having a sensation in the body wherein urination seems imminent.
Example sentence: The doctor asked for a urine sample, but I simply wasn’t pisty.

Take these words, and use them in good health. Try to work them into the conversation next time you are in a social situation. Definitely slip them in the next time you visit the doctor’s office. Together, we can do it!

Now that I have some great new words to use when such situations arise, I’ll have no qualms at all about telling everyone EXACTLY how I’m feeling! Why, I’m shisty right now! Wouldn’t you like to be shisty too?

My friend and noted train fetishist Jim Ellwanger recently brought to my attention the website http://www.chicago-l.org/, which is, as it says on the front page, Your Chicago Rapid Transit Internet Resource!

Within this site is an almost frighteningly complete and detailed history of Chicago’s rail transit system, known to some as the “el”, and to others who are clearly smarter as the “L”. I have been an avid “L” rider for the past few years, and I am sincerely interested in learning about this subject. Already I have spent many hours curiously combing through the site’s artifacts, looking at pictures of old cars that are no longer in service, reading about stations that have long since been abandoned and demolished, and looking at maps of the crazy twists and turns a railroad track can go through while wending its way from one end of the city to the other.

Why, did you know that the Yellow (Skokie Swift) Line, which is now an express train running between two stations only, used to have several stations along its route? Did you know that on the Purple (Evanston) Line, there was once a station called Calvary next to the large cemetery just north of Howard? And that that station was abandoned and left boarded up for the better part of a century before it was finally demolished just a little while ago? It’s all true!

Did you know the north branch of the Red Line used to be connected to the south branch of the Green Line, and that the west branch of the Green Line used to be affixed to the south branch of the Red Line? And they didn’t even change that until the early nineties! Of course, this was before they named the lines for colors, so they had no idea the trains were mismatched!

Why, with all this exciting transit history to learn, I can almost understand train fanaticism!

I said almost, Jim.

Kiss me, I’m Irish!

We ought to fish well and diligently, as our Lord exhorts. Hence, we spread our nets so that a great multitude and throng might be caught for God.
— St Patrick, an Englishman

Bless me, I’m Irish!

I have one word to say upon the subject of profound writers, who are grown very numerous of late; and I know very well, the judicious world is resolved to list me in that number. I conceive therefore, as to the business of being profound, that it is with writers, as with wells; a person with good eyes may see to the bottom of the deepest, provided any water be there; and that often, when there is nothing in the world at the bottom, besides dryness and dirt, though it be but a yard and a half underground, it shall pass, however, for wondrous deep, upon no wiser a reason than because it is wondrous dark.
— Jonathan Swift, an Irishman

Fight me, I’m Irish!

Happy St Patrick’s Day to all those Americans out there still bafflingly determined to claim Irish ethnicity. Why not make your day extra-authentic, by making fun shapes with semtex, arbitrarily hating people with marginally different religious beliefs, and banning abortion? All while listening to the soulful sounds of Westlife.
— Paul O’Brien, a Scot

Keep me out of the sun, I’m Irish!

Now anyone who’s felt the touch of heaven in their lives
Will know the way I’m feeling looking in my baby’s eyes
That’s why I can’t bear to be too far away
I know that God must love me cause he sent you to me on Angel’s Wings
— Westlife, an Irish boy band

I’m going to go drive the snakes from my pants!

Holy shit! It’s the ides of March! I wasn’t paying attention! Suddenly, it’s the ides of March! What the hell am I going to do now?

I’ve got to go to the grocery store, get some canned goods! I’ve got to go to the hardware store and buy some crossbow bolts! And a crossbow! Fuck fuck fuck! I need to withdraw all my money from my bank account and bury it in a metal box in the backyard! Shit! I don’t have a metal box OR a backyard!

It’s too late anyway. I can’t go out now! The roads are clogged with traffic! And through my window I can hear the blood-curdled screams of a thousand people! I should not have waited so long! It’s too late now… it’s over… it’s over…

Damn you, ides of March!

This can’t possibly be true.

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/020310/140/ctlq5.html

Pop queen Britney Spears fled for cover after having urine thrown at her as she filmed a TV ad. The star was bombed with buckets of urine by angry neighbours as she sang on location in the early hours of the morning, according to the News of the World.

Buckets? Of urine?

How many of these neighbors were working together? Even if I got everyone in my building together to pee into a bucket, the likelihood of that bucket being full would be small. The likelihood of a second bucket even being necessary would be slim to none. Granted, this took place in Los Angeles, and they certainly are fond of their mineral water over there. And I suppose it all depends on the size of the bucket.

Actually, now that I think about it, not only is this story completely plausible, it is almost exceedingly likely to be true. My amazement, I guess, is that the neighbors were able to set aside their potential differences and come together in a unified, urinating front.

In fact, I think I would like to live in such a neighborhood.

Where I live:

Where I work:

Where I grew up:

Courtesy of GlobeXplorer™.

Blogger is by no means an ass butt. Neither is it perfect, but nevertheless, I was somehow able to fix my problem via the tedious process of manually changing information. This may sound bad, but I actually have quite a high threshold for tedium, and so I was able to do it without going insane.

While I was fixing up the date/time problems with my earlier posts, I decided that, since I am now a subscriber to Blogger Pro™ and can perform such operations, I would go in and convert all my pre-Blogger Daily Heys to Blogger format, so that they could be accessed via the archives just like every other damn Daily Hey I’ve ever written. Not that I did much writing on the old ones. Back then, a Daily Hey consisted of a single picture with a snappy line of text underneath, and an additional snappy mouseover caption. But the result of adding these is that my archives now stretch back to February 2000, over two years ago, which seems unreal to me for some reason.

Of course, much of the material on my satellite pages – Drawing Is Fun, Scrivenings, The Juke-U-Bus, and OneMegPlus Theatre – is well over four or five years old by now, and has been on the web far longer than any Daily Hey material. It’s looking less and less likely that I’ll ever update the latter three of these, although I’ve always intended to.

I registered the domain lucubus.com back in 1998, and since then the page has had approximately five different incarnations, of which the present one is by far the most successful. I say approximately because the third design had a number of variations. But overall, the transformation of the site into what it is today has been fairly organic; that is to say, as things have become trendy on the web, I have seen them and said, “Ooh! I want to put that on my page!”, and stole ideas left and right. Stealing is organic, isn’t it?

Hey, there’s nothing classier than a webmaster talking about the history of his “domain”. But I never claimed to be better than anybody. Just prettier.

Blogger is being an ass butt.

In order to make things a bit more efficient, I renamed all my image files and edited their links in all my previous posts to accomodate the new names. I appear to have been successful in this endeavor, but one result is that due to some unfortunate glitch in Blogger, many of my past articles have been moved several hours into the future from when they were first posted. For example, an article posted on 11/10/2000 at 10:34 PM now shows as having been posted on 11/11/2000 at 12:34 AM, which is, of course, a total lie.

In many cases, this change is not significant. However, occasionally it results in funny contradictions, such as me saying “it is the morning” and it being 4 PM, or saying “it is New Year’s Day” and it being January 2. This is exactly the type of tiny little inconsistency that drives me completely insane, and so I have been trying for hours to fix it, without success. I have a line in to the tech folks, and for now I am going to just let it be. However, if you are perusing my archives (and by all means you should – why, check out the links to each month of archives, now available on the main page, beneath my webcam image!), and you come across one of these inconsistencies, do your best to sorta kinda read around it.

Also, let me know via the email form at the bottom of the page if you spot any broken links, to images or otherwise. And check out my updated links page.

Thanks for reading!

After a relatively mild winter, Chicago has suddenly grown very cold. This is due to a meterological event known as COLDSNAP! in which friendly tropical breezes are pushed away in a swift and violent strike by nasty arctic gales, which proceed to move in as squatters on the land previously occupied by warm air. To analogize in human terms, imagine hundreds upon thousands of thuggish, brutal Canadians marching down from Ontario City or wherever and booting hundreds upon thousands of friendly, naturalized Mexican-Americans out of their homes, claiming them as their own. Horrible, isn’t it? And this happens every year, and often multiple times – COLDSNAP! does not discriminate among the various factors which can cause it to occur.

So now the Mexicans have caught the bus to the border, and the Canadians have come in droves, putting vinegar on their french fries and saying “eh” a lot. Some of them are speaking with French accents. French accents! What can a Chicago girl do to stay warm?

First, and this is very important, avoid sleeping outdoors. In the summertime you may see a homeless man sleeping in the park and think his lifestyle is glamorous or romantic. In the winter, it becomes clear that the man sleeping in the park is a frozen corpse! Remember: camping is for the summertime. COLDSNAP! doesn’t care if you and your family of four planned otherwise.

Second, try staying indoors whenever possible. This may not be feasible if you have a job or a social life, but if you’re sad and lonely like the rest of us, staying out of the cold winter air is the best way to avoid COLDSNAP!‘s icy death grip. If your building lacks doors, speak to your landlord; or, if you’re a homeowner, go to your local hardware store’s website and rush order one door, ASAP!

Third, artificial heating may be necessary. This may entail turning on your furnace or radiator, starting a fire in your carefully designated fireplace, or sharing a large fur coat with a naked companion of your choice. Remember, you’ve got to generate heat! Heat is COLDSNAP!‘s only known foe.

If you follow these instructions and more, you can be assured of a winter safe from COLDSNAP!‘s clutches. But don’t take my word for it – Bill O’Reilly, host of Fox News Channel’s “The O’Reilly Factor”, had this to say:

“I lost both of my feet and most of my left hand to COLDSNAP! Follow this advice and maybe – just maybe – it won’t also happen to you! Ouch!”

Filled in lake “welcome”, administrators say

By Lucas Hackett
The Daily Heywestern

Northwestern University administrators today revealed plans to fill Lake Michigan with concrete in order to facilitate expansion for the crowded campus, and also because their disdain for nature has not been emphasized enough in the past.

Plans released today by NU administration include filling in the whole stupid lake.

“This campus is running out of room,” said Senior Vice President for Business and Finance Eugene Starshine, his shifty eyes darting back and forth. “In order for us to remain competitive with other similar-sized universities, we’re going to have to fill in Lake Michigan. All of it.”

When asked why such a drastic step was necessary, Starshine replied, “It isn’t necessary at all. It is much, much more land than we will ever conceivably need. But it is good to have it there just in case. And besides, we hate the students and they seem to like the lake, so we figured this would piss them off.”

University President Henry Zienen concurred. “Every decision this university makes is determined by money. Except this one. This one is motivated by pure contempt, for the land and for the student body.”

“I always hated that fucking lake,” he added.

Student reactions have ranged from complaining online in the privacy of their dorm rooms to holding protest rallies in various widely-traveled areas of campus. One such rally was held on the library plaza.

Students respond to the university’s plans with a rally.
Over 25 people were in attendance.

Jenny Pigeon, a Weinberg freshman, was among those present at the rally. “Wow,” she said. “I mean, it said in all the prospective student pamphlets that the administration was evil, but this is totally like Satan evil.”

Rich Bundle, a Speech alumnus, turned up at the rally as well. “I think it is the right of every student at this school to experience the campus exactly as I experienced it, as a student here ten years ago. The lake wasn’t filled in then, and it shouldn’t be filled in now. Also, they should tear down all of these new fucking buildings, because they weren’t here either.”

He continued, “Luckily, I was able to come here today because I have no job.”

Cory Mudge, a Speech senior, was among those who organized the rally. “They announced these plans less than three weeks before they were going to begin filling the lake in. That’s no way to do a press release!”

“It’s not about whether filling in the lake is a good or bad thing,” Mudge summed up. “It’s about getting the students involved in the decision to fill in the lake.”

When asked for a response, university officials cackled ruthlessly and raised tuition by several thousand dollars.

Never forget

Cruel, cruel world. They’ve killed the butterflies.

Somewhere between 250 million and 270 million butterflies were killed in a freak Mexican snowstorm. Millions and millions of butterflies carpeted the Mexican ground in a beautiful sonata of symmetrical frozen death. Tell me, where is your god now?

I tell you, he’s in Mexico dancing on butterfly corpses!

2002 Daily Hey Oscar Picks

Apparently the Academy Award nominations are going to be announced tomorrow, so I thought I would jump in there first with a few Oscar nominations of my own.

Best Picture: “Oscar and Lucinda”
Best Director: John Landis, “Oscar”
Best Gay Playwright: Oscar Wilde
Best Luncheon Meat: Oscar Mayer
Best Can-Dwelling Monster: Oscar the Grouch
Best Half of “The Odd Couple”: Oscar Madison
Best Walter Matthau Role: Oscar Madison
Best Jack Klugman Role: Quincy (come on)
Best Character from “Ghostbusters 2″: Baby Oscar
Best Boxer: Oscar de la Hoya
Best Linux Software Bundle: OSCAR
Best Oscar: Oscar Best, “Angel Heart”
Best Holocaust Subverter: Oskar Schindler
Best Fashion Designer: Oscar de la Renta
The Irving Thalberg Lifetime Achievement Award for Being Named Oscar: Oscar Micheaux
Best Archbishop of El Salvador: Oscar Romero
Best World-Class Pianist and Jazz Great: Oscar Peterson
Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Steve Buscemi, “Ghost World”
Best Clothier: Oscar of Sweden
Best Computer Science Professor: Oscar Waddell, Indiana University
Best Anime Character or Something: Lady Oscar
Best Guitars: Oscar Schmidt by Washburn
Best… aw, fuck it.

Drugs to which I am addicted

Caffeine
Nicotine
Alcohol
Smack
Blow
Crack
Roofies
Ecstasy
Sharpies
Tylenol
Phenobarbitol
Iocaine powder
Ludes
KT-28s
Turrets
Muggles
Goofballs
Mucilage
Finger puppets
Speed
Ecstamasy
Sweet ‘N’ Low
Nancy gas
Iron filings
Sex packets
Mothballs
Hell biscuits
Flipper babies
Honey mustard
Crushed egg cartons
Silica gel
Immodium AD
Duck saliva
Applesauce caplets
Ecstamasextamasy
Lost buttons
Freezer scrapings
Cough syrup
Uppers
Downers
Nightgowners
Red devils
Yellow jackets
Blue heavens
Black rogues
Scarlet pimples
Ketamine
Keratin
Albuterin
Prime-number-shitting bears
Viagra
Trazodone
Marzapan
Shirley Temples
Target shoppers
Elevator operators
Nasty waxies
Chocolate pennies
Composite gray t-shirt fabric doobies
Candied buckshot
Prairie oysters
Tic tacs dipped in latex paint
Shrooms
Stools
Molds
Acid
Angel dust
Unleaded plus
Episode recaplets
Aluminum beans
Barburritos
Naked Susans
Jellied glass
Crystal meth
TLC
Shoe polish
Klugman Qs
Bling
Tooth powder
Legos
Cheese grannies
Animal planets
Rabies shots
Heparin
Butter buds
Soap shavings
Glandbangers
Chicken feet
Klondike fives
Taffeta gas
Parsely
Sage
Rosemary
Thyme
Junk
Garbage
Feces
Rose petals

Drugs to which I am not addicted

Marijuana

Conclusion

God bless you, Nancy Reagan!