Filled in lake “welcome”, administrators say
By Lucas Hackett
The Daily Heywestern
Northwestern University administrators today revealed plans to fill Lake Michigan with concrete in order to facilitate expansion for the crowded campus, and also because their disdain for nature has not been emphasized enough in the past.
Plans released today by NU administration include filling in the whole stupid lake.
“This campus is running out of room,” said Senior Vice President for Business and Finance Eugene Starshine, his shifty eyes darting back and forth. “In order for us to remain competitive with other similar-sized universities, we’re going to have to fill in Lake Michigan. All of it.”
When asked why such a drastic step was necessary, Starshine replied, “It isn’t necessary at all. It is much, much more land than we will ever conceivably need. But it is good to have it there just in case. And besides, we hate the students and they seem to like the lake, so we figured this would piss them off.”
University President Henry Zienen concurred. “Every decision this university makes is determined by money. Except this one. This one is motivated by pure contempt, for the land and for the student body.”
“I always hated that fucking lake,” he added.
Student reactions have ranged from complaining online in the privacy of their dorm rooms to holding protest rallies in various widely-traveled areas of campus. One such rally was held on the library plaza.
Students respond to the university’s plans with a rally.
Over 25 people were in attendance.
Jenny Pigeon, a Weinberg freshman, was among those present at the rally. “Wow,” she said. “I mean, it said in all the prospective student pamphlets that the administration was evil, but this is totally like Satan evil.”
Rich Bundle, a Speech alumnus, turned up at the rally as well. “I think it is the right of every student at this school to experience the campus exactly as I experienced it, as a student here ten years ago. The lake wasn’t filled in then, and it shouldn’t be filled in now. Also, they should tear down all of these new fucking buildings, because they weren’t here either.”
He continued, “Luckily, I was able to come here today because I have no job.”
Cory Mudge, a Speech senior, was among those who organized the rally. “They announced these plans less than three weeks before they were going to begin filling the lake in. That’s no way to do a press release!”
“It’s not about whether filling in the lake is a good or bad thing,” Mudge summed up. “It’s about getting the students involved in the decision to fill in the lake.”
When asked for a response, university officials cackled ruthlessly and raised tuition by several thousand dollars.