After a relatively mild winter, Chicago has suddenly grown very cold. This is due to a meterological event known as COLDSNAP! in which friendly tropical breezes are pushed away in a swift and violent strike by nasty arctic gales, which proceed to move in as squatters on the land previously occupied by warm air. To analogize in human terms, imagine hundreds upon thousands of thuggish, brutal Canadians marching down from Ontario City or wherever and booting hundreds upon thousands of friendly, naturalized Mexican-Americans out of their homes, claiming them as their own. Horrible, isn’t it? And this happens every year, and often multiple times – COLDSNAP! does not discriminate among the various factors which can cause it to occur.
So now the Mexicans have caught the bus to the border, and the Canadians have come in droves, putting vinegar on their french fries and saying “eh” a lot. Some of them are speaking with French accents. French accents! What can a Chicago girl do to stay warm?
First, and this is very important, avoid sleeping outdoors. In the summertime you may see a homeless man sleeping in the park and think his lifestyle is glamorous or romantic. In the winter, it becomes clear that the man sleeping in the park is a frozen corpse! Remember: camping is for the summertime. COLDSNAP! doesn’t care if you and your family of four planned otherwise.
Second, try staying indoors whenever possible. This may not be feasible if you have a job or a social life, but if you’re sad and lonely like the rest of us, staying out of the cold winter air is the best way to avoid COLDSNAP!‘s icy death grip. If your building lacks doors, speak to your landlord; or, if you’re a homeowner, go to your local hardware store’s website and rush order one door, ASAP!
Third, artificial heating may be necessary. This may entail turning on your furnace or radiator, starting a fire in your carefully designated fireplace, or sharing a large fur coat with a naked companion of your choice. Remember, you’ve got to generate heat! Heat is COLDSNAP!‘s only known foe.
If you follow these instructions and more, you can be assured of a winter safe from COLDSNAP!‘s clutches. But don’t take my word for it – Bill O’Reilly, host of Fox News Channel’s “The O’Reilly Factor”, had this to say:
“I lost both of my feet and most of my left hand to COLDSNAP! Follow this advice and maybe – just maybe – it won’t also happen to you! Ouch!”