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True Stories

Get used to this

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Happy birthday, Dad!

And the rest of you: I don’t have time to talk to you. I’m working on my novel. The working title is Splop! It used to be What Up Slut, and before that it was Bathfarter. Don’t steal my ideas, I may yet use them.

I went to the Redmoon Halloween Festival Thingy down in Logan Square tonight, which was full of all sorts of spiritual hippy-dippy new age pagan bullshit and all very interesting. I had to take two train lines to get to Logan Square.

The following exchange took place on the Red Line:

———

DUDE IN VAMPIRE MAKEUP enters car.

LOUD CHICK: Man, what the fuck you s’posed to be?

DUDE IN VAMPIRE MAKEUP: Look at me. I have the fangs, the white makeup, the fake blood trickling from my mouth… what do think I am?

LOUD CHICK: Fuck. Shit.

DUDE IN VAMPIRE MAKEUP shrugs and sits quietly.

LOUD CHICK plays with what appears to be a small Nerf ball.

Moments pass.

LOUD CHICK: You wanna start with me? You wanna start with me? I’ll fuck you up! I’ll fuck you!

DUDE IN VAMPIRE MAKEUP: Lady, I didn’t start nothing. You talked to me, remember?

LOUD CHICK: I ‘member you’s bein’ a smartass’s what I remember, mother fucker! I’ll fuck you up!

DUDE IN VAMPIRE MAKEUP: Jesus. Whatever, lady.

DUDE IN VAMPIRE MAKEUP gets up, starts walking to other end of car.

LOUD CHICK: Mother fucker! Don’t start with me! Come on! Come back here and I’ll fuck you up!

DUDE IN VAMPIRE MAKEUP: Look, bitch, leave me alone, okay? I didn’t say nothing!

LOUD CHICK: Oh, you fucked! You fucked now cause my man with me!

LOUD CHICK’S LOUD MAN is sitting near the opposite end of the car, where DUDE IN VAMPIRE MAKEUP is standing.

LOUD CHICK’S LOUD MAN: Hey, asshole! No one calls her “bitch” but me, mother fucker! Let’s go! I’ll fuck you up!

LOUD CHICK: I don’t need your help, I’ll fuck him up!

LOUD CHICK’S LOUD MAN: No no no, I’ll fuck him up! Ha ha, bitch, you thought it was just her you were dealing with, but now you’re fuckin’ with me! Mother fucker, one of us gonna be going to jail, and the other gonna go to the hospital! I’m gonna be the one goes to jail, fucker! You goin’a the hospital!

DUDE IN VAMPIRE MAKEUP: Whatever.

LOUD CHICK: I’ll fuck him up!

LOUD CHICK’S LOUD MAN: No you won’t! You ain’t goin’ to jail – I’m going to jail, he’s going to the hospital! You better get off at the next station, mother fucker!

LOUD CHICK and LOUD CHICK’S LOUD MAN are still seated in opposite ends of the car. They have barely moved, except to yell back and forth.

The train pulls into the next station.

LOUD CHICK: Get off the train, faggot ass faggot! Faggot ass faggot! Fuck with me? Fuck with me? Faggot ass faggot!

DUDE IN VAMPIRE MAKEUP: Fuck you, lady.

DUDE IN VAMPIRE MAKEUP gets off the train, walks down platform shaking his head.

Train pulls out of station.

LOUD CHICK continues playing with ball, drops it. It rolls to the other end of the car. LOUD CHICK’S LOUD MAN ignores it as it rolls past.

LOUD CHICK: Bitch! Bitch pick up the ball!

ME: No hablo ingles?

———

The following exchange took place on the Blue Line:

———

TWO GUYS rush into a crowded train right before the doors close.

GUY 1: Yo, sit here! Let’s just sit here!

GUY 2 exits to the next car. GUY 1 follows.

GUY 1 and GUY 2 re-enter the car.

GUY 1: Sit here, and I’ll sit over here! Shit! Fine.

GUY 1 and GUY 2 sit down in seats across the aisle from one another. GUY 2 falls onto the seat and lands partially on top of an older woman with short hair seated there, reading a copy of the Chicago Sun-Times.

GUY 2: Oh, sorry sir, I didn’t see you sitting there.

GUY 1: Shit! Watch where you’re sitting!

GUY 2: Shit! Ha ha!

The train does not pull out of the station. The doors reopen. A brief pause.

A POLICEWOMAN is standing outside of the doors, looking in at the two GUYS.

POLICEWOMAN: You two be nice.

GUY 2: What?

The doors close and the train pulls away.

GUY 1: She said be nice.

GUY 2: What?

GUY 1: Bitch said be nice, fool!

GUY 2: Be nice? Shit! Ha ha!

GUY 1 pulls out a tiny joint, lights it, and starts smoking it.

GUY 2 takes a tallboy can of beer, still in the brown paper bag, out of his pocket, drinks from it.

GUY 1: Ha ha!

GUY 2: Shit.

GUY 1 gives the joint to GUY 2. GUY 2 gives the beer to GUY 1. They trade them back and forth.

GIRL WITH LIGHTS and GIRL WITH MEDUSA HAIR enter train. GIRL WITH LIGHTS is wearing all black with small white lights all over her outfit. GIRL WITH MEDUSA HAIR has Medusa hair.

GUY 1: Shit, look at you!

GUY 2: Shit.

GUY 1: You a Christmas tree?

GIRL WITH LIGHTS: No.

GUY 1: You a Christmas tree. Shit.

GIRL WITH LIGHTS: No, I’m the starry night sky! You’d have to see me out in the night. I look like stars!

GIRL WITH MEDUSA HAIR: Ha ha! Yeah!

GUY 1: [something lewd which I could not quite make out]

GIRL WITH LIGHTS: Ew. See, I was trying to be nice to you, but then you had to go and be gross.

GUY 2: Shit.

GUY 1: Shit.

GUY 2: Shit.

GIRL WITH MEDUSA HAIR: Yeah!

ME: Kill me.

———

Happily, no one did, and all is well.

Funnyweird

Boo! (Hoo.)

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Why am I downtrodden? I will never ever get to bed at a sensible hour ever again at any point in my life in the future.

That said, Happy Halloween! I hope you get the shit scared out of you, you punk kids. My costume this year is a bowl of cereal. With milk. I’ll be wearing it inside my stomach. Unless I have a few drinks at the office Halloween party, you know how it is.

Some links to enjoy:

Separately, two interesting sites. Together, ONE HUNDRED PERCENT MINDFUCK.

General

Variations on a meme

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At this writing, doing a search for “towelhead jokes” on Google will bring up this site as the number one hit. I have already gotten two hits from people searching for “towelhead jokes” on Google. Ironically, the post in question contained no “towelhead jokes” other than the phrase “no towelhead jokes, please”, which in and of itself is not a “towelhead joke” but could possibly be considered one on a technicality – that being that it contains the words “towelhead jokes”, and that the comment was intended to be topical and funny, unlike genuine “towelhead jokes”, which may be topical but are nasty, awful things, unless you are a part of that sub-group which is defined in derogatory terms as “towelheads” and find said “jokes” funny, in which case I say ha ha, dear chap. Ha ha. But I am not about to go making any “towelhead jokes”, and so those who come to my site in search of “towelhead jokes” are going to be sorely disappointed, oh yes they are.

And now, to prove my point that I am not going to make any “towelhead jokes”, I am going to post something that is the opposite of a “towelhead joke”: an hilarious picture of Hall, or possibly Oates, that my older brother would like me to put up so that I can discuss whether or not I would like to have his hairstyle.

DeBarge?

You know, I think I *would* like to have his hairstyle. Oh, barber! I’ll have one of those, and hold the moustache!

Lucacentric, Personal Appearance

Here baby, there mama, everywhere daddy daddy

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My hair is long and lustrous and bothering me.

damn hair

Honestly, I don’t know how you girls and hippies and rock stars do it. After it’s long enough to put into a ponytail, sure, it’s no sweat. But my hair is not quite at that length, and as such, is always totally and completely in my face.

I have not cut my hair in about one year. Why not, you ask? Well, I have no good answer. I thought it might be fun to just let my hair grow. And it has been. But it’s been so long that now it’s almost like a crusade. Like, I’ve gone this far, maybe I should refuse to cut my hair until Bush is out of the White House, or until the war on drugs has been ended, or until God once again walks as a man. But dammit, the top of my head is just a big mass of stringy. So look for a haircut in the coming days.

Dogs will howl and angels will weep solemnly. You may notice. You may not.

General
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Oo-hoo, the time is getting closer

I have decided to keep the Lucas R Hackett Photo Gallery offsite, at Yahoo! Photos, because they will allow me thirty megs of space for images alone, and I’m probably already well over the limit I’m paying for with Pair. I may ultimately have to switch to the next account up, because I’m expecting an increase in bandwidth, baby! I’m gonna be the next “I KISS YOU” guy, Zamfir or whatever his name was. But anyway, yes, I am in the process of making the photo gallery, and it will be very thorough, covering the years when I was just a wee lad all the way through present day, when I am a less-wee lad. And it will ultimately be interesting to all of four people. Or possibly five.

Metariffic, The Creative Process

NaNoWriMo

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The website nanowrimo.com is devoted to National Novel Writing Month. They are having a contest in which entrants must write a complete 50,000 word (or 200 page) novel in the month of November. Because I am insane, I have signed up for it. I have no idea what I will write, but I am sure it will suck. And it will probably reduce the amount of time I spend posting here. Not that I ever spent that much time posting here to begin with.

Metariffic

Lucubissues

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Hiya.

I have installed a feature called BlogBack, which allows users to add comments after each blog entry. It’s the “comment” link found at the bottom of each article. Use it! Abuse it! Start some flame wars and make me wish I hadn’t installed it! Also, my guestbook could use some more visitors.

The site in this form has now been up for about eight days, and at this writing the counter now shows that the site has 158 hits since 10/14/01. This is by no means acceptable – I intend to get out and whore this site like crazy once things have settled a bit – but I’m fairly certain that I’m getting more hits on average than I did during the page’s previous iteration. Granted, a good number of those hits are from me. But the fun part is I can now go through and see what service-providing domains people have been using to view my page. Right now nwu.edu (which is where I, and several of my friends, work) is in the lead with a whopping 41% share. A good 33% are IP addresses with no domain apparently attached, and in third at 7% is buckeye-express.net, which, I believe, would be my younger brother. Thanks, Tim! I also seem to be getting an unusually high number of hits from lilly.com, which as far as I can tell is not a service provider at all but is somehow involved in the production and/or distribution of psychotropic drugs. Which, while curious, is not entirely inappropriate.

I have also put up the site FAQ, or “Frequently Asked Questions” list, for those of you who are internet-initial impaired. I shall confess here that few, if any, of the questions in said list have actually been asked once, let alone often enough to constitute “frequently”. But the purpose of most FAQs is to be a preemptive strike, to put all the answers to the obvious questions in one place, where newbies can read them and hopefully get their questions answered. So, it is in the spirit of the preemptive strike nature of FAQs that my FAQ was written. Also, it inflates my sense of self-importance, which is always a good thing.

All that’s left to put up are the site map, my gallery of photos of myself which shall run the gamut from gorgeous to hideous, and a webcam image archive. After these are up I’ll be sending the big “Hey I’m Relaunching” email to everyone I know. If you’re already reading this, then obviously you know I’ve relaunched, but you’ll want to get the email anyway because I’m sure that it will be quite clever and entertaining. After all, it will be of the same quality you have come to know and expect from every aspect of the Lucubus!

No jokes, please.

Friends/Family, Photographicalness

And now… Nick

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An introduction is in order.

This is Nick.
Nick

Those of you who know me well will no doubt recall Darian, my ex of some years back. Nick is Darian’s current boyfriend. When I was in Beavercreek a couple weeks ago I had the opportunity to hang out with them, as they were also in town. And as it turns out, it was not nearly as awkward as it might have been.

This is Nick and Darian. Darian is being a spaz.
Nick and Darian

Nick sits around in his bedroom and makes electronica on his computer. He’s got a music download page at MP3.com. I have found his music to be very entertaining. I particularly recommend the track “Nick Notis”.

Another notable fact about Nick is that he is like totally super duper tall.

Funnyweird

He’s a tourist, see

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Okay… I’m probably, once again, the very last person to be in on this meme, but I saw this site for the first time last night and thought it was pretty funny. After the WTC attacks on September 11 a picture circulated purporting to have been taken on the observation deck just before the first plane hit, and allegedly was developed from film in a camera that was found in the rubble. Of course, the picture is an obvious fake:
totally fake picture

Somebody came up with the clever idea of taking the fellow in the above photo and inserting him into other famous photos, as seen here:
he was really there!

Some person decided to put a collection of these photographs online, and thus was touristguy.com born. It has a rather large gallery, and most of the altered pictures are just famous movie posters with the guy’s head pasted in there somewhere, which isn’t really all that funny – it’s pictures like the above, where he’s just there in the background, that I find to be more humorous. Enjoy!

General
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Manipulating images RULES

Every so often, Warren Ellis on his forum asks regulars to contribute logo-esque images for him to use on the forum’s start page. I don’t know how “regular” I am (I don’t get much fiber), but I made a few. And here they are. Enjoy.

1. Geometry.
rust-colored WEF trapezoid

2. Science and technology.
WEF, ROBOT

3. Political satire.
forum = presidential erection

4. El Greco’s interpretation.
What, me Warren?
(That’s Warren Ellis’s face on there, if you couldn’t figure it out.)

Hooray!

General
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Another update

I have uploaded a bunch of new drawings to the “Weirder” section of Drawing Is Fun. Hence, all the links that were inactive there are now active. So go and look at my little drawings and ooh and aah and ask yourself, “Is this Art? Or is it all just Piffle?” I drew most of them at work, if that’s any indication, but I don’t count them as “doodles” because I had a specific plan in mind when I drew each one of them.

Here’s a sample of the fine work to be found there.

I drew this on a Post-It.
The Roman Aqueducts

Astonishing.

Health and Body, Lucacentric

Yawn *krik*

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Well, I do this from time to time. I fell asleep as soon as I got home from work today, at about 5:30 PM. Usually when I do that, however, I wake up just as the televison program I wanted to watch that night was about halfway over. This time, however, I slept for a good solid eight and a half hours, waking up at 2 AM, which is a lot more sleep than I get in the average night. Yet, strangely, it still feels like the same day, unlike when I go to bed at 2 AM and wake up at 7:30 AM. I’ll probably go back to bed soon, even though it looks like Heavenly Creatures will be playing on the cable in a few moments, but I won’t watch it no I won’t I won’t.

A faithful reader using the enigmatic nom de plume “your former health aid” wrote in, using the comment form at the bottom of the page, to inform me that I have conjunctivitis (pinkeye) and to seek medical attention immediately. Thanks, mysterious stranger! In the meantime, everybody stay away from me, because I’m a walkin’ toxin. Definitely no butterfly kisses. I am starting to wonder if there is any illness that I don’t have. Lately I have been collecting them as if they were Pokemon. I guess it’s relatively safe to say that I don’t have cancer, or AIDS, or Down Syndrome, or male pattern baldness (yet), or whatever illness Rush Limbaugh has that has caused him to lose all hearing in one ear and eighty percent in the other, assuming it wasn’t simply caused by listening to himself on a regular basis. If that were the case, Dittoheads everywhere would be purchasing hearing aids and saying, “Eh? What?” and blaming it on Clinton.

My hypochondriac ass and I will be returning to sleep now.