Get used to this

Happy birthday, Dad!

And the rest of you: I don’t have time to talk to you. I’m working on my novel. The working title is Splop! It used to be What Up Slut, and before that it was Bathfarter. Don’t steal my ideas, I may yet use them.

I went to the Redmoon Halloween Festival Thingy down in Logan Square tonight, which was full of all sorts of spiritual hippy-dippy new age pagan bullshit and all very interesting. I had to take two train lines to get to Logan Square.

The following exchange took place on the Red Line:



LOUD CHICK: Man, what the fuck you s’posed to be?

DUDE IN VAMPIRE MAKEUP: Look at me. I have the fangs, the white makeup, the fake blood trickling from my mouth… what do think I am?

LOUD CHICK: Fuck. Shit.

DUDE IN VAMPIRE MAKEUP shrugs and sits quietly.

LOUD CHICK plays with what appears to be a small Nerf ball.

Moments pass.

LOUD CHICK: You wanna start with me? You wanna start with me? I’ll fuck you up! I’ll fuck you!

DUDE IN VAMPIRE MAKEUP: Lady, I didn’t start nothing. You talked to me, remember?

LOUD CHICK: I ‘member you’s bein’ a smartass’s what I remember, mother fucker! I’ll fuck you up!

DUDE IN VAMPIRE MAKEUP: Jesus. Whatever, lady.

DUDE IN VAMPIRE MAKEUP gets up, starts walking to other end of car.

LOUD CHICK: Mother fucker! Don’t start with me! Come on! Come back here and I’ll fuck you up!

DUDE IN VAMPIRE MAKEUP: Look, bitch, leave me alone, okay? I didn’t say nothing!

LOUD CHICK: Oh, you fucked! You fucked now cause my man with me!

LOUD CHICK’S LOUD MAN is sitting near the opposite end of the car, where DUDE IN VAMPIRE MAKEUP is standing.

LOUD CHICK’S LOUD MAN: Hey, asshole! No one calls her “bitch” but me, mother fucker! Let’s go! I’ll fuck you up!

LOUD CHICK: I don’t need your help, I’ll fuck him up!

LOUD CHICK’S LOUD MAN: No no no, I’ll fuck him up! Ha ha, bitch, you thought it was just her you were dealing with, but now you’re fuckin’ with me! Mother fucker, one of us gonna be going to jail, and the other gonna go to the hospital! I’m gonna be the one goes to jail, fucker! You goin’a the hospital!


LOUD CHICK: I’ll fuck him up!

LOUD CHICK’S LOUD MAN: No you won’t! You ain’t goin’ to jail – I’m going to jail, he’s going to the hospital! You better get off at the next station, mother fucker!

LOUD CHICK and LOUD CHICK’S LOUD MAN are still seated in opposite ends of the car. They have barely moved, except to yell back and forth.

The train pulls into the next station.

LOUD CHICK: Get off the train, faggot ass faggot! Faggot ass faggot! Fuck with me? Fuck with me? Faggot ass faggot!


DUDE IN VAMPIRE MAKEUP gets off the train, walks down platform shaking his head.

Train pulls out of station.

LOUD CHICK continues playing with ball, drops it. It rolls to the other end of the car. LOUD CHICK’S LOUD MAN ignores it as it rolls past.

LOUD CHICK: Bitch! Bitch pick up the ball!

ME: No hablo ingles?


The following exchange took place on the Blue Line:


TWO GUYS rush into a crowded train right before the doors close.

GUY 1: Yo, sit here! Let’s just sit here!

GUY 2 exits to the next car. GUY 1 follows.

GUY 1 and GUY 2 re-enter the car.

GUY 1: Sit here, and I’ll sit over here! Shit! Fine.

GUY 1 and GUY 2 sit down in seats across the aisle from one another. GUY 2 falls onto the seat and lands partially on top of an older woman with short hair seated there, reading a copy of the Chicago Sun-Times.

GUY 2: Oh, sorry sir, I didn’t see you sitting there.

GUY 1: Shit! Watch where you’re sitting!

GUY 2: Shit! Ha ha!

The train does not pull out of the station. The doors reopen. A brief pause.

A POLICEWOMAN is standing outside of the doors, looking in at the two GUYS.

POLICEWOMAN: You two be nice.

GUY 2: What?

The doors close and the train pulls away.

GUY 1: She said be nice.

GUY 2: What?

GUY 1: Bitch said be nice, fool!

GUY 2: Be nice? Shit! Ha ha!

GUY 1 pulls out a tiny joint, lights it, and starts smoking it.

GUY 2 takes a tallboy can of beer, still in the brown paper bag, out of his pocket, drinks from it.

GUY 1: Ha ha!

GUY 2: Shit.

GUY 1 gives the joint to GUY 2. GUY 2 gives the beer to GUY 1. They trade them back and forth.

GIRL WITH LIGHTS and GIRL WITH MEDUSA HAIR enter train. GIRL WITH LIGHTS is wearing all black with small white lights all over her outfit. GIRL WITH MEDUSA HAIR has Medusa hair.

GUY 1: Shit, look at you!

GUY 2: Shit.

GUY 1: You a Christmas tree?


GUY 1: You a Christmas tree. Shit.

GIRL WITH LIGHTS: No, I’m the starry night sky! You’d have to see me out in the night. I look like stars!


GUY 1: [something lewd which I could not quite make out]

GIRL WITH LIGHTS: Ew. See, I was trying to be nice to you, but then you had to go and be gross.

GUY 2: Shit.

GUY 1: Shit.

GUY 2: Shit.


ME: Kill me.


Happily, no one did, and all is well.

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