Bushkrieg!
I learned today that in Germany, George Bush is really Rambo, Colin Powell is really Batman, and Donald Rumsfeld dresses up like Conan the Barbarian.
Condi Rice is probably Wonder Woman, but you can’t tell from this.
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney is just your garden-variety knife-wielding maniac.
All right. Let me get this straight. Yesterday, George W. Bush choked on a pretzel, fainting in the process. At around the same time, it was revealed that Prince Harry had partaken of the sweet doobage.
Am I to believe these events are unrelated?
Honestly. Reading between the lines of these two stories, it is fairly obvious that George W. and Prince Harry were hanging in W.’s crib, toking on some primo weed, when suddenly W. got a serious case of the munchies. He went into the White House pantry and opened up a box of Bavarians, but Harry was all, “Mate. I gotta bugger off home, to England. My dad, Prince Charles, will be royally peeved, pun intended, if he finds out I been out so late.” So, W.’s like all, “Later, dude,” and then he settles down in front of the tube to watch the ball game. At this point he is so wasted that he forgets he’s eating and not smoking, so he inhales the pretzel instead of chewing it, and then he chokes. Meanwhile, Prince Harry gets home, to England, and his dad, Prince Charles, is totally waiting inside the royal castle when he crosses the moat, and says, “Blimey, son. Crikey, I smell mary jane on your knickers, so I do. Wot would your poor dead mum, Princess Diana, ‘af to say about that, I wonder? Nuffin’ pleasant, ‘at’s wot!”
How easily the pieces slide together.
I have changed my mind about the Confederate flag .
I used to think that the continued display of the Confederate flag was entirely inappropriate, given the fact that the Confederacy lost the Civil War, after all, fighting for an indefensible cause.
Then I thought, wait a minute. After the Civil War, there was Reconstruction, in which some progress towards racial equality was actually achieved. After a couple decades, Reconstruction began to lose its potency, and the racist Democrats came back into power. It was around this time that the most active variant of the KKK appeared and started catching tigers by the toe and hanging them by their necks. In Texas, “sundown towns” started popping up. These had billboards at the city limits reading “Nigger, don’t let the sun set on you here!” It’s no longer so extreme, of course, but racism – the nasty, active kind as well as the ignorant passive side – persists and thrives. There are “United Daughters of the Confederacy” monuments in states that were not in the Confederacy, and, indeed, in states that were not states at that time. It kinda seems like the South rose again, doesn’t it? And now, they’re patriots!
So, why shouldn’t Mississippi celebrate its racist heritage? Sure, racism is a festering hemmorhoid on the anus of society, but who says our state flags have to be prescriptive? It’s a true part of their history. And maybe they’ll look at that flag and it’ll make them think about racism – what it is, what it means, how it makes them feel.
I mean, look what it did for the Duke boys. No truer heroes ever joyrode through Hazzard County.
So, we are now teetering on the brink of a narrow Bush victory. Don’t you people ever listen? And don’t go saying Nader’s spoiling Florida. Gore has done WAY better in Florida than anyone expected him to. Anyway, it’s unfair and inaccurate to presume that ALL Nader voters would have otherwise voted for Gore. The totals in Nader’s “strong states” show that Nader peformed well BELOW expectations – liberals on the teeter-totter fell over on Gore’s side. And then the Bush voters came over and pushed down on the higher end and made the lower end fly up and clobber the wafflers in the jaw. And Buchanan, who was standing in line by the slide, … um. What was I talking about?
Ah, yes. Silly American voters. In the spirit of prognosticating punditry, I’ve decided to make a few predictions for four years of a Bush presidency.
Hey, kids. One more post for today. Seeing as tomorrow is Election Day, I thought I’d get all haughty and self-important and endorse a candidate, for all none of you who read this. I say: Vote for Al Gore. Or Ralph Nader. Or John Hagelin. Or David McReynolds. Or Harry Browne. Or Howard Phillips. Or Pat Buchanan. Or Lyndon LaRouche. Or Lex Luthor.
Just
I have yet to hear a sensible argument as to why this man should be president. I am unmoved by his purported “charm”. I personally find Al Gore to have a warmer personality. This is not based on partisanship, but on having seen both of them on television ad nauseum for the past x months. I am skeptical of any arguments concerning restoring “honor and integrity” to the White House. Honor and integrity were NEVER in the White House. Bush would be no exception. The press has made an issue of Gore’s unfortunate pathological tendency to lie. However, Bush’s lies, while not so easily uncovered, are larger and a lot more dangerous. Bush misrepresents what he stands for. Bush is perfectly willing to get rid of old nuclear arms treaties if the Russians don’t want to proceed exactly as we do; given the instability in Russia, this could easily result in the continuation of arms escalation. Bush does not think fossil fuels contribute to global warming, and he does not even see global warming as a potential problem. “W for Women”? How, exactly? Sure, he’s been faithfully married. So has Gore. So it’s not the anti-adultery vote he’s necessarily bringing out. That leaves anti-abortionists, upper-middle and upper class wives (because how many women in that bracket are independent, really?), and a lot of other women I can’t figure out.
I could go on. I do question the accuracy and/or appropriateness of calling him stupid. Man’s had a lot handed to him, but there’s no real evidence, other than his C-averages and his inarticulateness, that he’s any less smart than, say, Gore (who didn’t do so well in school himself, by the way). Just calling him stupid is not, in my opinion, a substantive enough argument to matter. You might as well yell “He SUCKS!” And I’m sure he does, but not because of his intelligence, but because of what he has done in the past and because of what he wants for the future.
It is unfortunate for this election and for America that Lex Luthor was denied Republican candidacy.