I learned today that in Germany, George Bush is really Rambo, Colin Powell is really Batman, and Donald Rumsfeld dresses up like Conan the Barbarian.
Condi Rice is probably Wonder Woman, but you can’t tell from this.
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney is just your garden-variety knife-wielding maniac.
All right. Let me get this straight. Yesterday, George W. Bush choked on a pretzel, fainting in the process. At around the same time, it was revealed that Prince Harry had partaken of the sweet doobage.
Am I to believe these events are unrelated?
Honestly. Reading between the lines of these two stories, it is fairly obvious that George W. and Prince Harry were hanging in W.’s crib, toking on some primo weed, when suddenly W. got a serious case of the munchies. He went into the White House pantry and opened up a box of Bavarians, but Harry was all, “Mate. I gotta bugger off home, to England. My dad, Prince Charles, will be royally peeved, pun intended, if he finds out I been out so late.” So, W.’s like all, “Later, dude,” and then he settles down in front of the tube to watch the ball game. At this point he is so wasted that he forgets he’s eating and not smoking, so he inhales the pretzel instead of chewing it, and then he chokes. Meanwhile, Prince Harry gets home, to England, and his dad, Prince Charles, is totally waiting inside the royal castle when he crosses the moat, and says, “Blimey, son. Crikey, I smell mary jane on your knickers, so I do. Wot would your poor dead mum, Princess Diana, ‘af to say about that, I wonder? Nuffin’ pleasant, ‘at’s wot!”
How easily the pieces slide together.
I have changed my mind about the Confederate flag .
I used to think that the continued display of the Confederate flag was entirely inappropriate, given the fact that the Confederacy lost the Civil War, after all, fighting for an indefensible cause.
Then I thought, wait a minute. After the Civil War, there was Reconstruction, in which some progress towards racial equality was actually achieved. After a couple decades, Reconstruction began to lose its potency, and the racist Democrats came back into power. It was around this time that the most active variant of the KKK appeared and started catching tigers by the toe and hanging them by their necks. In Texas, “sundown towns” started popping up. These had billboards at the city limits reading “Nigger, don’t let the sun set on you here!” It’s no longer so extreme, of course, but racism – the nasty, active kind as well as the ignorant passive side – persists and thrives. There are “United Daughters of the Confederacy” monuments in states that were not in the Confederacy, and, indeed, in states that were not states at that time. It kinda seems like the South rose again, doesn’t it? And now, they’re patriots!
So, why shouldn’t Mississippi celebrate its racist heritage? Sure, racism is a festering hemmorhoid on the anus of society, but who says our state flags have to be prescriptive? It’s a true part of their history. And maybe they’ll look at that flag and it’ll make them think about racism – what it is, what it means, how it makes them feel.
I mean, look what it did for the Duke boys. No truer heroes ever joyrode through Hazzard County.
So, we are now teetering on the brink of a narrow Bush victory. Don’t you people ever listen? And don’t go saying Nader’s spoiling Florida. Gore has done WAY better in Florida than anyone expected him to. Anyway, it’s unfair and inaccurate to presume that ALL Nader voters would have otherwise voted for Gore. The totals in Nader’s “strong states” show that Nader peformed well BELOW expectations – liberals on the teeter-totter fell over on Gore’s side. And then the Bush voters came over and pushed down on the higher end and made the lower end fly up and clobber the wafflers in the jaw. And Buchanan, who was standing in line by the slide, … um. What was I talking about?
Ah, yes. Silly American voters. In the spirit of prognosticating punditry, I’ve decided to make a few predictions for four years of a Bush presidency.
- Dubya’s pets, one dog and two cats, will become lovable national mascots and will on occasion meet world leaders in Dubya’s stead.
- Bush and Cheney will bathe in the blood of their enemies. Also with the blood of their enemies they will paint a barn, send relief packages to Transylvania, and prepare a delightful linguini dish.
- Bush will refer to pasta solely as “noodles”.
- An embarrassing picture of Dubya will be published on an April 2001 cover of TIME in which Bush’s head is tipped over, his eyes are rolled back into his skull, and a long streamer of drool falls from his mouth. Possible headline: “Can Gene Therapy Help?”
- Dick Cheney will suffer a fatal heart attack on the floor of Congress as he is about to cast the deciding vote on whether or not the government should condemn homosexuality. He will clutch his chest and spin around comically before he falls to the ground, clutching a tiny American flag, his lesbian daughter’s name inaudibly escaping his lips. The movie version, starring Richard Dreyfuss and released the following year, will win six Oscars.
- Dubya will choose Joe Lieberman to replace Cheney. Lieberman will be flattered but decline. Dubya’s second choice, George H. W. Bush, will happily step back into the role.
- Bill and Hillary Clinton will stay married, for the sake of her career this time. Chelsea will enjoy a short stint guest-hosting “Talk Soup” on E!. Playboy will offer her a giant truck full of cash to pose nude. She will make fun of them.
- Paula Jones, continuing to have trouble with her legal bills, will appear in a hard-core porn video with John Wayne Bobbitt.
- Al Gore and Bob Dole will co-host a politically-themed variety show featuring music, skits, and their own dry, witty banter. The show will be cancelled by FOX after four episodes. The reruns will continue to air on FX for another three months.
- Gore will authorize the publication of the un-retouched version of his ROLLING STONE cover photo. Women everywhere will swoon and purchase detachable shower heads.
- California will be hit with a series of massive earthquakes. The result will be a natural geographical divide along the coast, and the government will rule that California should now be two states. The states are named “Alive California” and “Dead California”.
- Democrats and Republicans will say nasty things about the other’s behavior when they themselves did the exact same things last time.
- Ralph Nader will chill out and lay low for awhile. Michael Moore will win the Green Party nomination in 2004. He will name Nader his VP candidate. Winona LaDuke will continue to be wherever the hell she was during the 2000 campaign.
- Palestinians will hate Americans even more than they used to. Eastern Europeans will hate Americans even more than they used to. The Chinese will hate Americans even more than they used to. Former Soviet Union Republic residents will hate Americans even more than they used to. Western Europeans, Mexicans, Africans, South Americans, Israelis, Canadians, Arabs, the Japanese, and everyone in lower Asia will hate Americans even more than they used to. Austrailians will continue to like us okay.
- With Austrailia abstaining, every nation in the world will agree to wage war against America simultaneously. The war will be characterized in the press as a “conflict resolution effort”. Our armed forces, having dwindled in number, will require that a draft be reinstated. However, every single 18 to 24 year-old male will be able to avoid service by pretending to be flamboyantly gay.
- Feeling pressure from all sides, Bush, his family, and his closest advisors will board a spacecraft and flee the planet, eventually setting up a colony on Titan, a moon of Saturn. The presidency will revert to the Bush family dog, who is accidentally left behind in a heartbreaking scene.
- Tedward Kennedy will emerge as the front-runner for the Democratic presidential nod for 2004. He will be assassinated the next day. In the next week, other assassination victims will include Supreme Court Justice Kennedy, former MTV VJ Kennedy, actor Jamie Kennedy, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. People will be really confused.
- “Survivor” winner Richard Hatch easily snags the 2004 GOP presidential nod, largely on a platform of not being naked. Runner-up Rudy Boesch will get the veep nod. Sue Hawk will be mentioned as a possible Secretary of Truck Driving.
- Jesse Ventura, with nothing but a machine gun, camoflauge pants, and a hunting knife, will make the world Safe Once Again For Democracy.
Hey, kids. One more post for today. Seeing as tomorrow is Election Day, I thought I’d get all haughty and self-important and endorse a candidate, for all none of you who read this. I say: Vote for Al Gore. Or Ralph Nader. Or John Hagelin. Or David McReynolds. Or Harry Browne. Or Howard Phillips. Or Pat Buchanan. Or Lyndon LaRouche. Or Lex Luthor.
I have yet to hear a sensible argument as to why this man should be president. I am unmoved by his purported “charm”. I personally find Al Gore to have a warmer personality. This is not based on partisanship, but on having seen both of them on television ad nauseum for the past x months. I am skeptical of any arguments concerning restoring “honor and integrity” to the White House. Honor and integrity were NEVER in the White House. Bush would be no exception. The press has made an issue of Gore’s unfortunate pathological tendency to lie. However, Bush’s lies, while not so easily uncovered, are larger and a lot more dangerous. Bush misrepresents what he stands for. Bush is perfectly willing to get rid of old nuclear arms treaties if the Russians don’t want to proceed exactly as we do; given the instability in Russia, this could easily result in the continuation of arms escalation. Bush does not think fossil fuels contribute to global warming, and he does not even see global warming as a potential problem. “W for Women”? How, exactly? Sure, he’s been faithfully married. So has Gore. So it’s not the anti-adultery vote he’s necessarily bringing out. That leaves anti-abortionists, upper-middle and upper class wives (because how many women in that bracket are independent, really?), and a lot of other women I can’t figure out.
I could go on. I do question the accuracy and/or appropriateness of calling him stupid. Man’s had a lot handed to him, but there’s no real evidence, other than his C-averages and his inarticulateness, that he’s any less smart than, say, Gore (who didn’t do so well in school himself, by the way). Just calling him stupid is not, in my opinion, a substantive enough argument to matter. You might as well yell “He SUCKS!” And I’m sure he does, but not because of his intelligence, but because of what he has done in the past and because of what he wants for the future.
It is unfortunate for this election and for America that Lex Luthor was denied Republican candidacy.