Overheard on the Train
“I’m sorry, could you sit somewhere else?”
“Why?”
“You’re sitting on my wife, sir.”
“Whatever.”
“Did you pay to get on this train?”
“Actually, I fell out of a helicopter and landed on the platform.”
“That would explain the open fractures.”
“This is Jarvis. Doors open on the left at Jarvis.”
“Jarvis was the Avengers’ butler.”
“That’s nice, honey.”
“Alfred is Batman’s butler.”
“Hmm.”
“The Fantastic Four didn’t have a butler, but their mailman was named Willie Lumpkin.”
“All right.”
“Richie Rich’s butler was named Cadbury, but Richie Rich wasn’t a superhero.”
“Okay.”
“Unless you count being the world’s richest kid as a super power.”
“Yes.”
“And I don’t.”
“I want a divorce.”
“Mommy, should I trust the government?”
“How the fuck should I know? Eat your fruit roll-up.”
“[Current Fox News in the Morning co-anchors] David Novarro and Tamron Hall are a good-looking pair. However, unlike [previous Fox News in the Morning co-anchors] Bob Sirott and Marianne Murciano, they aren’t fucking each other.”
“What did you think of the Oscars the other night?”
“They were great! I won Best Supporting Actress.”
“Wow! Enola Gay Harding! Can I have your autograph?”
“This car smells like poop.”