I apologize for not posting much lately. It’s because of the sniper.

Which sniper, you ask? The one that’s been in the news lately. Killing people one by one over in Maryland or Delaware or some such state, with one of those really, really long rifles that can shoot very far, and with deadly accuracy.

In fact, I read somewhere that the rifles are so long that the sniper actually shot the people from a good two states away. They were small states, of course, being in the east. Nevertheless, it is not much of a stretch to presume that the sniper will soon have access to a rifle which can hit the midwest from the east coast.

I have been afraid to leave my house, lest I immediately be shot in the head. From what I gather, this has been the reaction of the vast majority of Chicago residents. No one has been outside for weeks. The exhausted local news teams haven’t left the studios since Day One of this tragic misadventure began. A great many people have put bulletproof screens in their windows. I am not sure where they got them, since they haven’t been outside, and presumably all deliverymen feel too open to attack and are lobbying for doors on their trucks before they resume their duties. But up the bulletproof screens have gone.

Little do those people know that sniper bullets are not ordinary bullets. They are really more like mutant superbullets, able to pierce just about anything, including heads and bulletproof screens.

In an effort to protect myself, I have enclosed my head in a block of steel. The steel is just thick enough that any sniper bullet will only cause minor damage. In the meantime, I haven’t been able to lift my head off the ground. This is why I have not been able to post.

See? It all adds up. Snipers!

However, I have figured out a way to thwart the sniper. When he’s not looking, I’m going to grab the barrel of his rifle, which I presume I will find protruding around some corner or other, and I will, with the help of some firearms engineers that I just happen to have been friends with from childhood, extend the barrel of the rifle until it is so long that any bullet fired will simply go all the way around the world and smack the sniper in the back of the head.

It’s a thought.