As I was walking to my car after work today, I saw a dead squirrel on campus. After burying the creature in a shallow grave under a bush, placing a single red rose on the mound of dirt, and crying quietly for half an hour, I thought of a funny idea for a movie: “Dead Squirrel on Campus”. It’s a teenage comedy about two ne’er-do-wells who are freshmen at the local party school. Unfortunately, their outrageous “extracurricular” activities – including but not limited to binge drinking, marijuana smoking, and teenaged sex with comely coeds – land their grades in the doghouse, so to speak. Facing strong parental disapproval and possible university reprimandation, the boys hunt for a way to up their grades toot-sweet. They discover an old university urban legend: that if your roommate dies, and if said roommate is a squirrel, you receive straight A’s for the semester. Seeing their solution, they search for a new roommate, a squirrel, that is likely to die or that they can kill. Cue a hilarious montage of them courting several crazy candidates. Eventually they pick one of them, a squirrel, and it moves in. The next morning, they throw it out their ninth-story window. It dies. Their scheme works. The two get straight A’s. They spread the word. Suddenly, everyone all over campus is killing their roommates who are squirrels and getting straight A’s every semester until graduation. At the graduation ceremony, the boys feel vaguely empty about the quality of their education, but they shrug it off. Soon, they enter successful jobs and marriages and have happy, healthy children and grandchildren. They live long, fruitful lives, affecting everyone around them in a positive way. When they die, which occurs coincidentally on the same day for both, they inspire crowds of mourners to eulogize and pay respects as their coffins are lowered into the ground. Meanwhile, in Hell, they scream in torment while their flesh slowly burns and foul demons play their intestines like a harp.
I think that would be funny.