I appear to have thrown my back out.

I left it on my tray after lunch, and the janitor won’t help me dig for it. My parents are gonna kill me!

No. Seriously, I seem to have somehow injured my back in such a way that it feels okay if I am still, but excruciatingly painful should I choose to move. And something I have noticed in the last few hours is that it is very difficult to keep from moving in this on-the-go world of ours.

I think I will take some pain relievers and give this whole back thing a day or two to see how it plays out. Maybe I finally came down with that scoliosis they were always checking us for in elementary school. Perhaps I will have to wear a back brace. If it is so, I will wear it proudly on the outside of my T-shirt and decorate it with stickers.

I hope I haven’t damaged my spine. As I understand it, the spine is a very useful and active part of the body, even if you are cowardly. I wonder: with a damaged spine, would I still be able to breakdance?

Maybe I’ve slipped a disc and will require the assistance of a chiropractor, or a stereo remote control.

Or perhaps I am dying, and rigor mortis is setting in prematurely? This could also explain the bloating.

I tell you, that’s the last time I try to untie my shoes before taking them off.