Hello, hard-working American taxpayers! While working on my taxes today, I seem to have found a loophole in the tax code which, if properly exploited, will make taxes much easier to compute and to pay.

You see, in the 1040 instruction booklet, page 62, line 47, item A, part II, is detailed a little known “alternate tax”. I know you’ve seen the words before. If you’re like me, you saw those words there and thought, “Hey, there’s somebody out there paying an alternate tax. I’m glad it’s not me, because I don’t know what number I’m supposed to write there.” How wrong I was.

This is how it works. Go to the IRS website and download the form 1040LA-Z. This form will stand out from the rest of them, because underneath all the identification and address information, there is only one blank, labeled “Alternative Tax?”. Just write “YES” in the blank, and you’re already halfway done.

Next, take a crisp twenty dollar bill and write “TAX” across Andrew Jackson’s face with a black Sharpie. (If you have only a wrinkled twenty dollar bill and/or use a Marks-A-Lot marker instead of a Sharpie, there is no penalty, but processing may be delayed.) Staple the twenty dollar bill to the 1040LA-Z form, and then fold the form into thirds, stapling it closed. Be sure to staple it with the twenty dollar bill inside, and staple it closed in five or six places. With the Sharpie, write “IRS” in large block letters on an exposed side of the 1040LA-Z form. Underneath, write “USA”. You may also want to draw a tiny flag, which would require red and blue Sharpies. Apply a stamp to the upper right corner, drop it in a convenient mailbox, and you just paid your fucking taxes, my friend.

I assure you that all of this is legal.*

*Actual assurances may vary.