The Christian holiday on which we celebrate the birth of Jesus is growing ever nearer. True to form, I have not yet done any shopping. I am bad consumer. I am a naughty consumer. As far as my contributions to the economy go, the terrorists have already won. When I emerge from my cave, arms raised in a surrendering gesture, Bill O’Reilly will shoot me, because that’s the kind of badass he is.

“I’m-a shoo choo inna face!”

I expect that in a few days I’ll be marching over to a mall or shopping center of some kind laying down some dough to purchase gifts for my loved ones, so don’t jump up into my ass just yet, reactionary conservative journalists! I’m no fifth columnist planning to take the country down with some brilliant tactical scheme! No way! Not me! I’m going to go shopping at Toys ‘[Backwards R]‘ Us and at the Men’s Wearhouse and at Pier One and at Bed Bath & Beyond and wherever the hell else the day takes me, for I am a Capitalist, and I love Things! And I love buying Things and giving them to others! So there’s no need to tap my phone, J. Edgar Whoever! No reason to keep that satellite camera trained on the top of my head at all times! It’s a waste of the taxpayers’ money, and it’s a waste of Attorney General John Ashcroft’s valuable time!

“Dammit, can’t you see I’m busy?”

Sorry, John! And I thought you were great back when you fronted The Verve!