Have you ever been in a situation where you really wanted to shout “GOD DAMN IT!” or “JESUS H. CHRIST!” but had to bite your tongue, because you were wary of sensitive religious folk around?

Here’s the solution to this persistent and annoying problem.

Damnburgers! and its sister phrase Jeezburgers! can be uttered anywhere at any time when the situation calls for it. Even the most pious religious types will have to applaud your ability to cleverly express your frustration or amazement without invoking the names of any deities or messianic beings.

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Damnburgers! That Damnburgers! looks good on you!

It’s Memorial Day… I figured that maybe I should take some time to remember those who died in our nation’s service. You have issues with that?

Doctor told me not to think of anything clever for at least twenty four hours before the brain surgery.

I have spent the last several hours painstakingly restaging Christopher Walken’s choreography from Fatboy Slim’s “Weapon of Choice” video. I kept getting kicked out of the hotels!

Because I appeared to be suffering from extreme dehydration, I stuck the garden hose in my mouth and guzzled water; so much so, in fact, that I inadvertently expanded my stomach to the point where my belly button popped right off and rolled down between the slats in the deck. I’ve been trying to fish it out for the last few hours, using a crude tool fashioned from a twig and freshly-chewed bubble gum.

My cat was rolling around adorably in the bathroom sink, and by the time I got tired of watching him, I was stuck firmly to the toilet seat.

It appears that I may have had too much of the bourbon whiskey.

I had intended to write an essay on reactions to the Middle East conflict vis-à-vis the divisive American political system, but I realized that I had no time tonight to do proper research to avoid turning it into the same type of knee-jerk partisan reactionism that I was going to complain about.

Terrorists are plotting to assassinate a presidential candidate; my wife and daughter have been targeted; and people I work with may be involved in both. I’m federal agent Jack Bauer, and today is the longest day of my life.

I was listening to “Cannonball” by the Breeders, and I accidentally smashed everything in the apartment with my frenetic dancing.

I was too busy talking to my mom on the phone, on account of it being Mothers’ Day and all.

I want to give a shout-out to Heath for sending me an email full of many complimentary words. Go visit his site! He writes more often than I do, and about things that are far more interesting and journalisty. Go to!

Robert Urich

RIP Bob Urich, dead today at 55.

Hello, hard-working American taxpayers! While working on my taxes today, I seem to have found a loophole in the tax code which, if properly exploited, will make taxes much easier to compute and to pay.

You see, in the 1040 instruction booklet, page 62, line 47, item A, part II, is detailed a little known “alternate tax”. I know you’ve seen the words before. If you’re like me, you saw those words there and thought, “Hey, there’s somebody out there paying an alternate tax. I’m glad it’s not me, because I don’t know what number I’m supposed to write there.” How wrong I was.

This is how it works. Go to the IRS website and download the form 1040LA-Z. This form will stand out from the rest of them, because underneath all the identification and address information, there is only one blank, labeled “Alternative Tax?”. Just write “YES” in the blank, and you’re already halfway done.

Next, take a crisp twenty dollar bill and write “TAX” across Andrew Jackson’s face with a black Sharpie. (If you have only a wrinkled twenty dollar bill and/or use a Marks-A-Lot marker instead of a Sharpie, there is no penalty, but processing may be delayed.) Staple the twenty dollar bill to the 1040LA-Z form, and then fold the form into thirds, stapling it closed. Be sure to staple it with the twenty dollar bill inside, and staple it closed in five or six places. With the Sharpie, write “IRS” in large block letters on an exposed side of the 1040LA-Z form. Underneath, write “USA”. You may also want to draw a tiny flag, which would require red and blue Sharpies. Apply a stamp to the upper right corner, drop it in a convenient mailbox, and you just paid your fucking taxes, my friend.

I assure you that all of this is legal.*

*Actual assurances may vary.

That’s it. I am going to settle the Israel versus Palestine problem once and for all.

Those of you following the news will know that the Israeli government has stepped up their attacks on Palestinian settlements, in response to a number of recent suicide bombings performed by Palestinians. Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon has said that these acts are of a war for the survival of Israel.

Well, no.

Suicide attacks are horrible, awful things, and there is no question about that. But for Sharon to suggest that war is necessary for Israel’s survival, even if suicide bombings continue, is nonsense. It is not Israel that is in danger of extinction.

I feel a great deal of sympathy for the families and friends of innocent bystanders killed in a terrorist bomb blast. But I also feel sympathy for the average Palestinian who wants simply to live and work and raise his family in peace and comfort. The Israeli government does everything it can to prevent that from being possible. In fact, Israel seems to get away with a lot of basic human rights violations based on the assumption that ALL Palestinians are suspected “terrorists”.

Imagine armed troops constantly roving the streets of your neighborhood. Imagine the threat of being arrested or shot if you stay out past an unreasonable curfew. Imagine getting arrested on charges of suspected “terrorism” and, after being subjected to beatings and extravagantly cruel interrogation techniques, being sent to prison for four years without a trial, or with a trial that is obviously rigged against you. Imagine having to commute three hours every day to and from your job, where you work hard all day in a country that lives well and doesn’t want you there; and then going home at night to a house which is not much more than four walls, a dirt floor, and a plastic tarp for a roof. Imagine living in that house with your wife and three children, not to mention your sister and brother-in-law and their children. Imagine burying your teenaged son because he happened to be standing in the general direction from which a rock was thrown at a soldier.

The Palestinians are a desperate people, and they are running out of things to lose. Constant attacks from the Israeli military will only exacerbate the problem. Another issue is that not all Palestinians share the same ideology. Arafat is a leader to many, but not all. Isolating him will not end the terrorist attacks; it might well increase their likelihood.

Frankly, I don’t even understand how such a society can exist in this day and age, particularly after the events of the twentieth century. Even South Africa ended apartheid. The Israeli government is wrong, wrong, wrong. And to all the politicians and pundits who keep going on television and saying that Palestinians don’t care about a reasonable quality of life as much as they do seeing Israel dead: Israel has GUNS. Israel has MISSILES. Israel even has NUKES. The Palestinians have ROCKS. Why are you afraid? Allow them a reasonable quality of life, and see if their perspective changes. Just don’t punish the entire Palestinian population for the actions of a few.

I recommend the graphic novel PALESTINE by Joe Sacco, published by Fantagraphics Books, to anyone who wants to know more about this subject. Read it, and you will learn that the Israeli government is just as cold, heartless, and out-of-touch as our own.