All posts by Lucas

Hey hey!

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Come go ’round the world

So who wants to apply with me for a spot on the television series The Amazing Race 3? The premise of the series is that eleven teams of two people each race around the world and engage in a combination of anxious travelling and running around cool-looking ancient landmarks. Each week, the team that comes in “last” while running around the ancient landmarks is ejected from the show; and so it goes until only one team stands at the end as the Ultimate Amazing Racers.

Each team is composed of two people who have a real-life relationship, such as a mother and her daughter, or two frat buddies, or co-workers, or a gay couple, or a young, glamorous starlet in danger and the rough-around-the-edges cop assigned to protect her, or the single-minded and ruthless Inspector Javert and the object of his obsession, cunning bread-stealer Jean Valjean, or some such arrangement. They seem to find separated couples interesting, so I would like to encourage all my estranged wives from whom I have not yet obtained legal divorces to give me a call.

Going on the show seems like a nice, cheap, quick way to see the world, and the show doesn’t seem to saddle the contestants with the whole “media whore” image that shows like Survivor and Big Brother seem to do. If you’re interested, let me know soon, because the deadline’s coming up and we’ll need to make a three-minute tape. Here is a copy of the application. Let’s go kick some divorced fratboy ass!

Mnemonic mnostrils

Apologies for being behind on the updating. I have been extraordinarily busy with various real-world concerns, such as washing my hair.

On Sunday nights I take the train home from work, and while doing so tonight I ended up, by chance, sharing the train ride with a pretty girl who works in my office. She got on the train one stop south of me, and by that time I already had my nose buried in David Brock’s Blinded by the Right which I bought this past week at the comic book store (although, as I discovered, it is not a comic book at all!), and if she had not said my name (Lucas) I may not have ever noticed she was sitting there, one seat over.

So, instead of reading about a man’s journey from liberal social values to neoconservative propagandizing and back again, I had a nice conversation with a person whom I did not know very well. As it turned out, she was getting off the train one stop south of my stop, so we talked the whole time, about such subjects as college majors, getting into classes, putting off writing papers until the last minute, things that every college student can relate to. Her boyfriend, as it turned out, majored in the same thing I did when I was an undergrad twenty years ago, so I briefly walked down memory lane in that regard. All told, it was a fine conversation, considering how awkward train conversations can sometimes be.

It seems wholly unremarkable. But consider this: as we continued to speak I became increasingly aware that an extremely long hair was plummeting in and out of my right nostril with every nasal breath I took. I could feel its boogery wispiness dancing against my upper lip, and it required focused concentration to avoid drawing attention to it by doing something obvious such as swatting it away or batting at it as a kitten would a strand of yarn, or, with my index finger, shoving it back up into my nose, where the other, shorter hairs just might grab it and prevent its return. I did my best to ignore it and continued with the conversation.

If she noticed, she did not let on; and really, I do not care whether she did or not. Perhaps if she did, it would make the conversation that much more memorable. I know it will be memorable for me, as every time a long nose hair brushes against my lip, or tongue, or chin, or sternum, or what-have-you, I will remember this conversation.

And I will repeatedly remember this conversation.

Because I am cursed.

Recent IMs of note

Re: 24

Samorama76: so did kiefer kieck ass?
lucahack: boom boom bam!
lucahack: kapow!
Samorama76: daaaamn
lucahack: Kiefer’s efforts at ass-kicking are being undercut at every turn by his underlings, however
Samorama76: no!
lucahack: and his superiors don’t approve of his maverick style
lucahack: but Kiefer is a man on the edge!
Samorama76: are you a writer for this show?
lucahack: and he plays by his own rules!
lucahack: I wish!
lucahack: Kiefer’s catch phrase is WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR???
lucahack: and nobody ever answers him
lucahack: they just cuss him out in Serbian and die
Samorama76: what am i missing?!
lucahack: there is a whole world drifting by underneath your nose
Samorama76: pooey
lucahack: WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR????
lucahack: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY WIFE AND DAUGHTER???
lucahack: I SWEAR, IF YOU’VE TOUCHED THEM…
lucahack: MY VOICE WILL BE THE LAST ONE YOU EVER HEAR.
lucahack: BECAUSE YOU’LL GO DEAF FROM ME SCREAMING AT YOU!
Samorama76: “mene”
lucahack: zuh?
Samorama76: English-Serbian Dictionary
lucahack: oho
lucahack: well played

Re: Legos

Samorama76: DIDJA GO TO THE LEGO STORE?!?!?
lucahack: it was closed
lucahack: bastards
lucahack: maybe tomorrow I’ll go
Samorama76: i looooooooooooooove the lego store
lucahack: my parents are staying down there
Samorama76: IN THE LEGO STORE?
lucahack: near it anyhow
lucahack: I want to get Harry Potter lego shit
Samorama76: eerrr harry potter
lucahack: fuckin’ Hogwarts Castle
Samorama76: im just not down with it
lucahack: don’t judge me
Samorama76: right sorry
lucahack: harry potter r00lz

Re: Madonna’s Truth or Dare

lucahack: “Truth or Dare” is on cable
Samorama76: the madonna movie?
Samorama76: i have cable in my room, i am sooo spoiled
lucahack: Rita Hayworth gave good “face”
lucahack: I am voguing
Samorama76: let yr body go with the flow
lucahack: madonna just asked a dude to whip it out
lucahack: and he did!
Samorama76: well, DUH
lucahack: now she is fellating a bottle
Samorama76: oh that is classic, i love her
lucahack: I bet the Britney Spears documentary won’t have anything like that!
Samorama76: i think it has her sucking down the straw from a capri sun on accident
lucahack: who? Britney?
Samorama76: yep
lucahack: she’s not too sharp, that one
Samorama76: not that innocent, either
lucahack: so I’ve heard

Paying taxes is for suckers

Hello, hard-working American taxpayers! While working on my taxes today, I seem to have found a loophole in the tax code which, if properly exploited, will make taxes much easier to compute and to pay.

You see, in the 1040 instruction booklet, page 62, line 47, item A, part II, is detailed a little known “alternate tax”. I know you’ve seen the words before. If you’re like me, you saw those words there and thought, “Hey, there’s somebody out there paying an alternate tax. I’m glad it’s not me, because I don’t know what number I’m supposed to write there.” How wrong I was.

This is how it works. Go to the IRS website and download the form 1040LA-Z. This form will stand out from the rest of them, because underneath all the identification and address information, there is only one blank, labeled “Alternative Tax?”. Just write “YES” in the blank, and you’re already halfway done.

Next, take a crisp twenty dollar bill and write “TAX” across Andrew Jackson’s face with a black Sharpie. (If you have only a wrinkled twenty dollar bill and/or use a Marks-A-Lot marker instead of a Sharpie, there is no penalty, but processing may be delayed.) Staple the twenty dollar bill to the 1040LA-Z form, and then fold the form into thirds, stapling it closed. Be sure to staple it with the twenty dollar bill inside, and staple it closed in five or six places. With the Sharpie, write “IRS” in large block letters on an exposed side of the 1040LA-Z form. Underneath, write “USA”. You may also want to draw a tiny flag, which would require red and blue Sharpies. Apply a stamp to the upper right corner, drop it in a convenient mailbox, and you just paid your fucking taxes, my friend.

I assure you that all of this is legal.*

*Actual assurances may vary.