I’m in a foul mood right now. It’s a Saturday night kind of foul mood. I’m just sitting on my duff at the south end of my couch staring at my laptop, with my cat by my side and a big bottle of (root) beer on the table. My life is completely static. Every weekend is the same. Today I changed the pace a bit by tidying up my place a bit and organizing all my papers, but I was disappointed when I realized that no catharsis would come of it. I want to be “on the move”. Damn it, I want an itinerary. Perhaps tomorrow after work I’ll stop by Big Lots and see if I can’t pick one up.
Anyway, early this afternoon I’m gabbing away on the phone, just a-shootin’ the shit with my friend Mandy, when suddenly I get another call. We’re at the end of the conversation, so we say bye and I switch over. The following is a transcript of the conversation to the best of my memory:
Me: Hello?
Some Guy: Waaazzzzzzzzuuuuuuupp!!
Me: Uh…
Some Guy: Waaaazzzzzzzuuuuuupppp!!
Me: Who are you and what do you want?
Some Guy: You know who this is. Just listen very carefully… Waaaaaazzzzzzzuuuuuuppppppp!
Me: You’re going to have to give me another hint, I’m afraid. This “waaazzuup” business is not doing it for me.
Some Guy: Come on. You know who this is, just guess. None of this hint bullshit. Guess.
Me: Dad?
Some Guy: Dad?! [laughs] No, I ain’t your dad! Come on! You know me! I’m your friend.
Me: Are you a friend from Chicago?
Some Guy: Yeah! No more hints. I know who you are!
Me: Who do you think I am?
Some Guy: That doesn’t matter! You’re guessing who I am.
Me: Well, I have no idea.
Some Guy: Did you go to Harvard?
Me: No, I went to Northwestern.
Some Guy: I went to Harvard. I couldn’t go to Northwestern because it was too stupid. So I went to Harvard where all the actual smart people go.
Me: Oh, yeah? What was your major?
Some Guy: Criminal justice.
Me: That’s an undergrad major?
Some Guy: Yeah, and after I graduated, I went to law school to become a big fancy lawyer.
Me: And are you now a big fancy lawyer?
Some Guy: Nah, I dropped out. Now I’m just a big fat cop!
Me: That’s too bad.
[silence]
Some Guy: Hey, are you gay?
Me: Not to my knowledge. Why do you ask?
Some Guy: Not to your knowledge? [laughs] I’m gay. Do you have a problem with faggots?
Me: Not at all.
Some Guy: I have a problem with faggots.
Me: And you’re gay?
Some Guy: Yes.
Me: That must put you in quite a bind.
Some Guy: Tell me about it.
[silence]
Some Guy: Hey, is this [reads my phone number]?
Me: Yup.
Some Guy: Do you have a roommate or anything?
Me: Nope. I live alone.
Some Guy: I see. Thanks for your time. [hangs up]