I hope everyone out there had a merry Christmas, except for those of you who are not of the Christian faith and celebrate a different holiday (in which case I hope you had a merry version of your own holiday; substitute “happy” or “nice” or “somber” or “enlightening” or “painless” or “painful” for “merry” where appropriate), and those of you who pretend to be of the Christian faith but are really just in it for the presents (in which case I hope you made out like bandits). After all, it is no secret that “Merry Christmas” is Greek for “Jesus Christ”, which is Latin for “Holy Fish”. Or something like that.

What did I get under my tree this year? Oh, a little of this, a little of that. Not enough of either, if you get my drift. Also I got a coat. It’s one of those coats that those Antarctic explorers use during the cold season. It will keep me warm and toasty through a temperature of minus five hundred degrees Farenheit. Below that temperature, I will shatter like glass and die painfully. This is all printed on the label. I have photocopied this label and filed it in my records in case any litigation is necessary.

Also this year I got a hat. It is green and I can wear it on my head.

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