Tonight, I saw a minor league baseball game featuring the Dayton Dragons in an exciting match with their conference rivals, the Burlington Coat Factories.
In the spirit of this baseball-related merriment, I present to you a song written and performed by my younger brother Tim, starring A. Bartlett Giamatti, the late baseball commissioner and apparent notorious evil mastermind. I hope I translated the lyrics correctly.
A. Bartlett Giamatti is an evil, evil man
In the city’s catacombs he develops his plan
He terrorizes mobsters and he frightens crooks
He edits the papers and he censors the books
He has total control of the city
And nobody knows of his might
Bartlett gives nobody pity
He’ll be watching while you sleep tonight
He’s a mystery, an enigma of myth
He’ll make you distrust whomever you’re with
The streets may all seem normal, safe by day
But at night he’ll wield destruction, he’ll have his way
He makes all of the world’s decisions
He determines the rich from the poor
Bartlett carries out with precision
All the preparations for the next world war!
Oh, when the night comes down on the innocent town
He’s impossible to catch
When he’s on the prowl, just throw in the towel
Since he’s never met his match
Without a measure of doubt, he’s the king of deceit
He’s impossible to stop, and impossible to beat
And he’ll knock you off of your feet
He has total control of the city
And nobody knows of his might
Bartlett gives nobody pity
He’ll be watching while you sleep tonight