I… may have recently ingested some spoiled mayonnaise. I assure you that it was entirely unintentional, that I had every reason to believe that the mayonnaise was in perfectly good condition and not at all spolied, but it appears that my sources of evidence regarding the freshness of said mayonnaise may have been misinformed or were simply incorrect.

I have yet to feel any of the negative side effects one might encounter after introducing spoiled mayonnaise into one’s digestive system. I am unsure how much of a delay there is going to be before I experience these feelings, assuming I get them at all. Anything is possible, because, again, my sources may have been misinformed or are simply incorrect.

To combat the no doubt oncoming symptoms that admitting spoiled mayonnaise into one’s body can bring, I have, based on no doctor’s orders, imbibed an entire can of grape soda. I feel that the chemicals in the grape soda, whatever they may be, will counteract the chemicals in the spoiled mayonnaise, whatever those may be. Despite having no medical knowledge whatsoever aside from my prodigious comprehension of the inner workings of the human gall bladder, I feel no small comfort in having taken this action.

Although I think I may go lie down now. Yes, yes ? that’s what I’ll do.