One hundred lies about myself

  1. My name is Oona.
  2. I am a married mother of two.
  3. I own seventeen cats.
  4. I breed them for combat.
  5. My friends tell me I look just like Alec Baldwin.
  6. I have a weave.
  7. I was a cast member on You Can’t Do That On Television.
  8. I have collagen injections in my lips.
  9. I received manual stimulation from a famous teenaged actress at theatre camp four years ago.
  10. My college major was biomechanical engineering.
  11. I am currently employed as a fencing instructor.
  12. For fun I tap dance for coins on subway platforms.
  13. I have twelve tattoos.
  14. One of them appears twice.
  15. This was the result of an oversight on my part.
  16. I collect gas masks.
  17. I own seven of them.
  18. I am famous for illustrating children’s books about poop.
  19. My body odor smells like chicken broth.
  20. I apply my freckles daily with a brown marker.
  21. I am Jewish.
  22. I am a rabbi.
  23. If I was a girl, my parents were going to name me “Katie-Baby”.
  24. I painted the walls of my apartment black.
  25. I did not recieve the landlord’s permission to do this.
  26. I have dyed my hair six different colors over the last three weeks.
  27. I am now bald.
  28. I have a pencil fetish.
  29. I have impregnated over seven thousand women.
  30. I am your long-lost twin brother.
  31. I lost my virginity in a ferris wheel…
  32. …one week ago today.
  33. I can’t stop eating olives.
  34. I make gin in my bathtub.
  35. It is chocolate-flavored.
  36. This is because I bathe in melted chocolate.
  37. I am an instrument of the Lord.
  38. Possibly a saxophone.
  39. I was Pat Buchanan’s running mate in the 2000 election.
  40. I had a torrid love affair with Saturday Night Live’s Melanie Hutsell.
  41. My grandfather never used an indoor bathroom once in his life.
  42. My fingernails are sensitive to laser beams.
  43. I have a birthmark shaped like Nixon on the back of my left thigh.
  44. I am allergic to peanuts.
  45. I am allergic to newsprint.
  46. I am allergic to pleather.
  47. I gave birth to a man just to watch him be born.
  48. I have been married one hundred thousand times.
  49. That was a rough week.
  50. I believe the children are our future.
  51. I believe when I fall in love with you it will be forever.
  52. Do I believe in miracles? Yes I do. You sexy thing.
  53. When no one’s looking I put a pink bow in my hair and call myself “Mary Susan”.
  54. My most embarrassing moment: trying to pee in the middle of class, and not being able to go. Too many onlookers!
  55. I am a United States Senator.
  56. I invented a new clown makeup which wards off evil.
  57. My friends call me “Killer”.
  58. I’ve only actually killed one or two people.
  59. In ‘Nam.
  60. I am a successful British comic book writer.
  61. I was married briefly to David Geffen.
  62. I have starred in three off-off-Broadway productions.
  63. I was on that show “Big Brother 2″ until they kicked me off for threatening another contestant with a knife.
  64. I play the french horn.
  65. I was in the Breeders.
  66. Kim Deal owes me fifty dollars.
  67. My feet are dry with the ashes of dead babies.
  68. There is a comet named after me.
  69. I am currently writing an unauthorized biography of Lorenzo Lamas.
  70. I have millions of dollars tied up in offshore funds.
  71. I drive a pink Corvette.
  72. When I was a teenager, my acne was notable for its consistent radial symmetry.
  73. I have a large scar that goes across both of my buttocks.
  74. My high school principal slashed my there with a scythe.
  75. It was part of a safety demonstration about scythes.
  76. I do voice-over work for Comedy Central.
  77. My best friend died a lonely man, in some Palm Springs a-hotel room.
  78. I got the call last Christmas Eve, and they told me the news.
  79. I am currently serving consecutive life sentences.
  80. They are not for anything in particular.
  81. I just woke up one day and felt like serving consecutive life sentences.
  82. I haven’t taken my garbage out since April 2000.
  83. I answer the phone with “Bite me!”.
  84. I was the seventh man on the moon.
  85. I keep the company of scarlet women.
  86. I am a black belt in jujitsu.
  87. I try not to wear shoes.
  88. My father is Bob from “Sesame Street”.
  89. I shave with a seashell.
  90. I am writing this on a Commodore 64.
  91. With a ballpoint pen.
  92. I had gay sex with Leonardo DiCaprio in a crowded movie theatre.
  93. I have thrown up fifty times in a single day.
  94. I once proposed to someone on the Jumbotron during a baseball game.
  95. That someone was noted Cincinnati Reds relief pitcher Rob Dibble.
  96. He said no.
  97. But he was extremely flattered.
  98. I have artificial eyes.
  99. I can’t see the forest for the trees.
  100. I have had breast reduction surgery.

Inspired by Mr. Matt Fraction on his forum.

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