Well, this is really stupid. A few days ago, I noticed that I had a giant hangnail on my index finger. Did I do anything about it? No, because I am very Manly and am able to ignore such a pain as trifling as a hangnail.

Today at work, in the course of my daily routines, shuffling through papers and books and whatnot, I got a nasty papercut on the ring finger of the same hand. What did I do? I licked it a few times and forgot about it.

Later in the day, I had a slight run-in with a book return cart. Nothing serious, but it meant that I had a second small cut on the ring finger of the same hand.

It began to bleed. The papercut, which had previously ceased to bleed, began to bleed once more. Then, the hangnail TWO WHOLE FINGERS OVER started to bleed.

When I got home from work, I cut off the hangnail and went to go wash out my cuts and put bandages on them. For even though I am Manly I wish to prevent infection where possible.

As I opened the medicine cabinet door, its bottom metal corner swung right across the top of my forearm – the same arm as the hand with the cuts – and resulted in a large gash, from which blood began to ooze.

“Give me a break,” I said. “Give me a break.”