I’ve worked out this webcam nonsense. It is taking little pictures of me every thirty seconds as I am sitting here writing this with a towel on my head, and before you go making any “towelhead” jokes, remember that I have just come out of the shower. I have nothing but respect for my Arab brothers and sisters. I have respect for all the people of the world. I am a respect slut. I’ll give it away to anybody. Why, just the other day, while I was walking to the Shop’N’Away to get a pack of Camels, I tripped over a shifty drug dealer who was taking a nap right there on the sidewalk. I apologized to him, gave him a hearty handshake, and asked him if he had any narcotics I could purchase. You see, even though he looked very skeevy, and not at all on the up-and-up, I respected him by offering to partake of a business transaction. Of course, it turns out that he was lying there dead, apparently from a stab wound to his nostrils, although you wouldn’t know it to look at him. At his funeral, to which I went in order to pay my respects, I spent a couple hours speaking to his mother about how, even in death, he seemed lively and vibrant and shifty; and when she pointed out that shifty isn’t a positive quality, I shared my logic that “shifty” was only a term that could be applied to someone who was very much alive. She gave me a hug, patted me on the head, and said, “You run along home now, son.” And so, to respect her wishes, I did.

I desperately need to start going to bed earlier.