Yawn, I mean yay

Just saw on the news that Michael Jordan will be returning to his career has a professional basketball player.

You know, instead of returning to the NBA, he should start his own professional league, which would consist entirely of retired millionaire players who have nothing better to do. Just a real casual, laid-back league. They can sit on the sidelines in rocking chairs instead of on a bench. Just to keep it interesting, though, we’ll have the two baskets suspended from the ceiling back-to-back in the center of the court instead of on the ends, and also they will be forty feet up. The court itself will have a moving floor; it will tilt gradually as much as sixty degrees in one direction, and then in the other. The degree of tilt would be determined by the amount of time that has gone by on the shot clock. The lines on the court will be heated and scalding to the touch. If a ball goes out of bounds, it is lost forever and the team responsible must trade one of their players to the referee for a new ball. The player will then go sit down in the upper seats and must remain there for the rest of the half. If a team has less than five people left during a half due to out-of-bounds balls, the head coach, assistant coach, team doctor, mascot, and/or one of the players’ wives must fill in so that each team has five members on the court at all times, even during halftime and commerical breaks, even if they are just sitting there. All games will be played shoes-and-skins. All players who have shaved heads but are not naturally bald will be required to wear ridiculous stereotypical Afro wigs for the duration of the season, even while sleeping.

Alternately, Michael should join the Harlem Globetrotters. Their ticket sales could use a shot in the arm, and Michael’s little tongue-wagging floating-in-midair bit fits right in with the Globetrotters’ wacky style.

Or he could finance the creation of an army of killer robots with basketballs for heads who will march on our major cities and surely kill us all.

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