Is the Hey moving to a Monthly or Bi-Weekly format? Because I haven’t gotten a new one in some time.

You should know by now that many of your readers rely on the Hey for relief from their drab workaday lives. This being undisputably the case, I hereby call, on behalf of all Heyites, for a revitalization of the Daily Hey as a true Daily, or Weekly if Daily is too ambitious — academic institutions being the frantic, fast-paced places of constant change and innovation that we all know them to be, I as much as any — so that the average, hard-working, Hey-reading global citizen can once again enjoy the diversion from reality, however temporary, fleeting, shallow and narcotic-like, that a cursory glance at each new Hey affords.

One idea, if “Weekly Hey” seems too cumbersome or rhyme-deficient a name, is to forgo The Hey as a title altogether, and rebrand oneself as the “Weekly Cheek”, or, slantwise, the “Weekly Check”, or even, in a clever workaround, the “7th-Day Hey”. Alternately, in a tribute to Norman Rockwell’s alma mater, one could call it the “Saturday Hey”, and “post” the new edition each Saturday evening at 10:15 sharp. That would be a cunning “cure”.

Puns and pop music references aside, good friend, let us put behind us these dark days of infrequent and spotty publication, and gaze ahead to a future of limitless Heys, commenting on all manner of interesting social and cultural phenomena, offering a pristine window into the maturing, self-doubting soul of Generation X, eulogizing popular humorists, skewering the inept, upraising the meek, and soldiering on through remarkably slow download times and browser compatibility difficulties to deliver, through it all, like a rock, like a tower, like an island in a sea of dispiriting, worldweary ennui, a few minutes each day (or week) of blessed diversion to its deserving, patient, voiceless readership.

Thanks.

I.F.C. Hammond-LeKaak