English class journal entry from 29 October 1991:

I think my brain is leaking. I’m not sure, that fluid on my pillow could have been drool, but I kind of feel like my brain is starting to dry up. When I shake my head, I don’t hear any swishing around anymore. So this is where all of that stuff in my throat came from. I keep picturing the hamwater at the bottom of a Lunchables tray floating around in my skull, coming out of my brain. I think the nervous system is directly related to gastric problems. I think the schools should offer naptime as a semester course. I think we shouldn’t be pressured into learning things that we don’t need to know. I was already pushed over the edge; I just landed on a flagpole.

Daily Hey Magic Number: 12

English class journal entry from 21 January 1993:

Hey, kids! Today’s quote is “Boy, I really pulled that one out of my butt!!” As in, “Hey! A B-minus! Boy, I really pulled that one out of my butt!” Pulled it out, unfolded it, read the message, and threw it away. If it came out of my butt there is no real reason to keep it around for a long time anyway. I definitely do not put it back. There’s a sign on my butt that says “Exit Only”. That includes suppositories. If it has to go in my butt, it isn’t any good for me. But if it comes out of my butt, it’s nothing but good stuff.

Daily Hey Magic Number: 13

Merry is fun, and she takes a lot of pictures of her cats.

Daily Hey Magic Number: 15

No! No! I’ll never give up! I’m so tired, though… so, so tired…

Daily Hey Magic Number: 16

Lauren is something else!

Daily Hey Magic Number: 17

Lucubus “diary” entry from 19 June 1991. I think it is hilarious:

I don’t have much time to write. Summer school has been very productive yesterday and today. Kenny told Holly that I think she’s hot. I keep telling everyone I’m going to break up with Stephanie but I never call her so I can’t do it. I wouldn’t mind taking Holly to the movies or something but it’s Maria, Katie, and Kelley that I really like. Katie mostly. I can’t seem to keep her out of my head and I want to talk to her all the time… I hope I don’t annoy her. Kelley mentioned on the phone today that Katie told her something about me but as of yet I’m not exactly sure what. I will talk to Katie tomorrow.

Daily Hey Magic Number: 18

English class journal entry from 4 December 1991:

The answer to my questions lies beyond the Jeopardy! category board. It lies beyond the walls and the floors and the ceilings that lie beyond me. It lies beyond the Hair Club from Men and the local Iraqi eatery. It lies beyond the “Halls” of medicine and beyond the Kool-Aid Wacky Warehouse. It lies beyond the manufacturers of red pens and corduroy contraceptive devices. It lies beyond the Trump Taj Mahal. It lies beyond the Washington Monument (well, at least a picture of it). It lies beyond the puppies and the kittens and the cute little mice without hair. It lies beyond the horseys and the piglets and the sea cows of this world, and yea verily it lies beyond this place. Wait, no it doesn’t. I don’t know where the hell it is. I don’t even know what my questions are. Never mind.

Daily Hey Magic Number: 19

I have officially halved the number of days I am behind on the Daily Hey. I can’t believe I started a month and a half behind! I am some sort of crazy slacker.

Daily Hey Magic Number: 20

English class journal entry from 7 April 1992:

I’m selling candy!
I’m selling candy!
Candy!
Candy!
I hope nobody steals my candy.
That would make me maaaaaaad.
I’m a dangerous man if you steal my candy.
I’m your worst enemy if you steal my candy.
If you steal my candy, you can consider yourself a dead man.
I’ve got connections with the Beavercreek candy mafia.
Stealers of my candy will not wake up the next day.

Daily Hey Magic Number: 21

English class journal entry from 7 February 1992:

Abject means wretched or miserable. A conjecture is a guess. To be dejected is to be depressed. An injection is an introduction or a shot of fluid taken in through the veins. If something jetties, it projects. Something objectionable is often unpleasant and of questionable taste. A projectile is something thrown or fired. To reject is to throw out. Something subjective is based on someone’s personal opinions. Trajectory is how a dog curves as it flies through the air.

Daily Hey Magic Number: 22

Melissa knows what’s what.

Daily Hey Magic Number: 26

I love Charity, and I would like to marry her.

Daily Hey Magic Number: 29

English class journal entry from 11 November 1991:

Jim looked out his window. It was a beautiful sunny day. The clouds drifted by like blobs of spit in an unflushed toilet in a men’s room at a gas station off the highway in North Carolina somewhere. Birds chirped as if it were summer, with the principal reason for that being that it was summer. Jim stood up and walked over to the fax machine. Suddenly, Jim realized that it was not a fax machine at all, but a secret government computer with information on every person that ever existed and every event that ever occurred! Then he realized that, no, it was just a fax machine. A fake one even. Made out of cardboard. Used as a stage prop. He’d just brought it home to impress the chicks. But in today’s harsh, cruel world, where everyone needs someone to care about, who isn’t prone to do that?

Daily Hey Magic Number: 33

English class journal entry from 16 September 1991:

I’m not sure what just happened. I think I just inhaled a bug or something. At any rate, I feel strangely happy now, as if something were going to happen or has happened that is good. Perhaps it is a result of this brand new pen. The ink gives off quite a sweet smell. So sweet, in fact, that I think I’m going to pass out…

OK, I’m awake, I just revived with Vivarin. I’m trying not to hurt myself in any way, and (ouch) dropping that book on my foot probably wasn’t the best way to start. Ah, well, all good things must come to an end, and for all bad things all ends are good, and some people have good-looking ends, and all’s well that’s well and good. Whatever the heck that means.

I’m not sure what just happened. Maybe I briefly fell into a daze from heat prostration. Perhaps I’m drunk on the semi-toxic particle-flavored rustwater that this school’s drinking fountains spurt out at tepid temperatures. That liquid is so rusty, I once had to get a tetanus shot after I drank it.

Daily Hey Magic Number: 35

Creative Writing class journal entry from 6 December 1993:

What is the true nature of God?

Now, don’t strike me down to hell for saying this if it’s what you believe, but I think it’s pretty safe to assume that God is not a viscous blob of ochre gelatin.

It is my personal belief that God doesn’t look like a solidified object at all; I think that he’s just a big ball of light. If he does look like a human, though, I don’t think that he has any genitals. I’m using the word “he” with someone with no genitals. Great. God is a eunuch.

No, that’s not what I mean. I don’t know what I mean. All I know is that them damned religious T-shirts bug me. Which brings me to the conclusion that God exists in the form of a T-shirt.

No, that’s not what I mean. I don’t remember what I mean.

Daily Hey Magic Number: 36